Only One

Being "the only one" in your class, on your team, on the plane, or in your profession is either really good or really bad.

For example, being the only one in your class to get an "A" is a great honor. On the other hand, being the only one in your class to forget about the same assignment due today is really bad.

Being the only one on your team to hit a home run is an accomplishment, but being the only one on your team to strike out really sucks.

Being the only person the plane who survives makes you feel like you just landed on the cast of "Final Destination" or really lucky. Being the only person who dies on the plane crash, well thats not good.

Being the only person in your profession to win a particular award rocks your socks off and makes your parents/loved ones proud. But being the only person in your profession lack a certain skill makes you stand out as slower, weaker. Not a good situation.

So here we are. Why am I rambling about being "the only one" if I am not the only one of something!? Insert SCUBA diving class here:

Last Wednesday, we had to go a skills test where we saw 25 feet across the pool to our buddy who was holding our mask and snorkel. Once we got to our buddy we had to put our mask on, clear the mask, put the snorkel in our mouth, clear the snorkel, and come up to the surface while doing everything in one breathe. No big real, right? Well, maybe if you are Michael Phelps.

Apparently I am in a class full of Michael Phelps, which is something I knew coming into this class. A lot of the other students are aquatics majors. Or on the dive swim. Or they swim from the time they were a sperm to last night, aka their entire life.

I fit in none of those categories. I am in the category. I was the kid who couldn't jump off the diving board until I was nine because I thought I was never going to make it back up to the surface. I am the kid who kept a 20 minute hold up off the high dive at Pine Lake aka I had a standing ovation when I finally jumped and came up from the water. I am now the young woman who will only get in the ocean if I am completely wasted because I am afraid JAWS will come out of no where and bit my legs off, leaving me for death or in a wheel chair forever. Or a jelly fish will bite me, either way, either way is not fine.

So my buddy took like four attempts to pass the test. By the time I could go the test, I was the only one left. The only one. So everyone could watch me.

So I took my three long, deep breathes and swam to the student assistant as fast as I could (my buddy was already putting on gear for the next part of class). I swam so fast and got frantic, which hello my full name should be Ashley Frantic Bedwell. I didn't complete the task all the way because I came up choking on water.

"Ashley, you need to clam down. Your body gets so stressed when you swim that fast. You were rushed and out of control the entire time. Do you want to attempt again or wait?" my professor asked me.

"Well, I mean," I started. I really wanted to say no, but I agreed to try it again.

So I swam down there. Told myself to slow down and attempted again. I didn't get it.

"Well, you almost had it, but we have to move on. Just practice more and focus on remaining calm under the water," my professor said with a disappointed look on her face.

"Did you get everyone's names written down," she yelled to another student assistant.

"Yeah!," he screamed back across the pool. "All but one!"

I was the only one who didn't pass and everyone knew it. I saw the faces turn to me and I wanted to duck my head under the water.

My first scuba fail (although not as bad as my recent church fail).

To make matters worse, I put my swim suit in the rapid dryer and it started to shred the ass out of it and rip it up.

Really? After all this, I thought. Now I have to walk around with my ass-less swim suit because you know I'm not about to spend $40 on another one piece swim suit that I'll never wear again. Sigh.

Conclusion: I am one of a kind. People will always remember me. Being the only one maybe isn't the always bad, even if you are being known for being "bad" or "weak" at something -- at least you are known. I suppose thats better than being in the middle and never standing out. I just don't want to be the only one in SCUBA who gets the bends or crazy air bubbles in my body. No matter how many people know that story, it won't be good.

Oh, and I'd also like to stay away from being the title, "The Only Ball State University Graduate Bride Who Gets Attacked By A Shark and Jelly Fish On Her Honeymoon!"

Eager Bride

The majority of people who know me would probably describe me as shy, reserved, and conservative.

FALSE!

Today I proved to myself, my fiance, and my mama Sieb (Justin's Mom) just how outgoing, loud, and over the top I am. I even let myself get embarrassed. The kind of embarrassment that makes your tummy turn left then right and then up and then down all in the same minute.

We were running late to church this morning. Service started at 10:30 a.m. and Justin rolled out of bed at 10 a.m. The church is fifteen minutes away and he didn't hop in the shower until about 10:08 a.m. I, of course, was awake early and dressed in my Sunday finest at 9:30 a.m. We had a big day today! Our first day of pre-martial counseling. Little did I know I wish I would have packed a mask.

As we ran into the church sneaking in the side door, we saw Pastor B.

I ran past him and smiled, rushing to the bathroom and trying to not look "late."

"Hey Ashley, I might embarrass you a little bit today in church!" Pastor B said.

"Ohhh great," I said. "Well thanks for the heads up!"

He shouldn't have given me a heads up. I'm not a girl who needs a warning. This is later proved in the story.

So the service started. We sing a few songs and then the sermon begins. The readings were wedding readings. And it begins.

Then all of a sudden wedding music started playing.

Oh no! I thought.

Justin and I looked at each other, smiled and then looked around the church.

"Do I have a bride in here?!" Pastor B asked the congregation.

Me, I thought.

Should I walk down the isle? Am I supposed to walk down there and that's what is embarrassing!?! Instead of walking, I opened my big fat mouth!

"Do you want me to come down there?" I screamed.

Everyone turned around. Some laughed. Some smiled. Some looked at me like I was most socially awkward individual on the face of earth. Well, truly, I probably am. after this experience.

Pastor B starred at me and laughed a lot.

"Is the Bride not coming down the isle!?!? Where is she!?" He asked again.

By this time, I was really confused.

Okay, if you want me to come down there, just say it. Don't beat around the bush, I thought.

"Maybe she will come if I play another song," Pastor B said.

So another song began.

"So where is my bride!?" He asked again.

"WELL I AM RIGHT HERE!!!!" I screamed again.

I looked over at Justin and he had his hands over his face. He embarrassed for himself and me at the same time. Justin's mom knew where Pastor B was going, "This is part of the sermon," she mouthed to me.

I wanted to get up and walk out of the church service.The true "bride" was the congregation. And we were there today to renew our vows and promises to The Lord.

"No, not you Ashley," Pastor B said. "I'll get to you later."

I sank deep into the pew. So embarrassed. This wasn't even my church, so the people there don't understand my personality. I was in for it.

So he explained about how the bride was everyone here today and what we should do to renew our vows.

Then he said, "But we do have a young couple about to get married. Justin and Ashley, why don't you stand up. Everyone clap for them and show them our love."

Oh, don't worry, I thought. I've already stood up and let it be KNOWN by all in the state of Indiana that I'm engaged to Justin.

"They are here today for their first pre-martial counseling session," Pastor B said. "So we should start now! Do you guys know what you are getting yourselves into!?"

I looked at Justin. He looked straight ahead and said, "YES!" I just starred. I was still picturing myself throwing my hands in the air saying, "I AM RIGHT HERE!" LOL

Church Fail.

When I went him to take communion, I saw people point. Some smiled. One old man pulled me aside and said, "Are you sure you want to do this?!" It aade me laugh, but I definitely was the center of the service.

I got up to Pastor B and all I could do was smile/look like a deer in headlights.

"Are you sure you want to get married here still?!" Pastor B asked laughing.

I didn't even have a response. Just that look on my face I get when I am confused.

Justin couldn't stop laughing. As soon as I told him I was embarrassed, he felt it was fair game to make fun of the situation openly.

"I wouldn't have this much fun with anyone else," Justin leaned over and said while laughing. "I wouldn't even have HALF as much fun with anyone else."

I squeezed his hand. God love him. He truly does know he is about to marry a socially awkward loud mouth.

And the best part is he still loves me.

We laughed for most of the service. Replaying my performance in my head. He leaned over and said, "I love you so much Ashley. You really have no idea."

I thought everyone would think I was an idiot, but turns out I made every one's morning. They thought it was "cute" and just showed how excited I am marry to Justin. Well, at least that's what they said to my face!

Both pastors thought my eager bride embarrassing moment was funny. Looking back, it really was.

"Pastor B," I said. "I am a woman with no preface."

I probably wouldn't have done that if he didn't say he was going to embarrass me. But then again, maybe I would have.

Looking at this day with the glass half full, at least I didn't walk down the isle to him. 

Although, I did turn around to see if any flower girls were coming. If they walked down the isle, I was sure to follow. Without a doubt.

After our counseling and lunch with Pastor B, we left with a happy hearts and full stomachs. And an extra side of lots of laughs.

I love Justin so much. He truly does love me even when I'm a fool. Or in my defense, I am just an eager bride.

Much love,
Ashley

The Ticking Clock

Tonight I shared a lot of laughs with my mom and sister, Cierra. We watched homemade videos full of birthday parties, tight purple jeans, side ponytails, and big/wild hair.

Looking back, I don't even remember that part of my life. Those videos serve as a travel back in time. I am lucky for that.

Growing up, I always wanted to grow up. I always wanted to sit at the grown up table at Thanksgiving. I always wanted "grown up" gifts. And I got REALLY mad when a waitress would bring my crayons and a coloring mat for dinner. Couldn't she tell that was just way too childish for me?!

I should have taken advantage of being a kid. Of not having a care in the world. Of loving every minute of my life. Shower or no shower, I was happy. Usually no showering, because that meant I could stay at longer and play with my friends. Life was good.

The worst part is seeing my younger siblings and wishing I was a larger part of their life. I can't believe how fast they have grown up. We watched Cierras 2nd birthday and now her next bday she will turn 18. I just can't even believe that...We watched Devin's first bath and he is going into high school next year.

I love them so much.

It makes my heart hurt to think I chose partying with my friends over spending time with my family. I guess you live and learn and that is what makes us who we are today. I just hope they always know how much I love them and how much I want them to succeed. I want them to know life is never easy and people are mean. You have to love yourself first. I'm not the best example of loving yourself first, but I am striving to be that person. I want them to know they turn to me for anything, even if that means waking up in the middle of the night to cry during a hard break up. Boys lie and so do girls, so be careful with you give your heart too. But love all and be loved. I will always be proud of you and who you become. I will always, always cherish all of our laughs and look forward more memories in the future.

Moral of the story, choose your time wisely. Invest your time in things that you can look back upon and really smile about, even if that means staying at home with your family to make homemade videos.

The ticking clock will not slow down.

Much love,
Ashley

The Biggest Loser, No Really

Tonight I met with my personal trainer. His name is Steve. When I saw him walking around the club prior to meeting him, I assumed he was shy and very dedicated. He is definitely dedicated, but he is passionate about what his job too. He does not to help people and the pay check is the bonus for doing what he loves. He is very outgoing and motivating. He is exactly what I need. Because I couldn't handle a shy or mean guy.

Meeting Steve was the only good night of my evening.

We talked about my current habits, my goals, and my expectations. I told him I wanted to be healthy. In the past, my plan was, "Well, if I want to lose weight I will just stop eating or binge." Now, I want my lifestyle to be like a health plan. I want to actively go to the gym and eat the right foods, which aren't available on the dollar menu. Sigh. Goodbye McDonalds, Hello Meijir Organics.

He asked if I had a goal date. And secretly I do. My wedding. But I didn't want to be that person who just loses weight for an event. I want to be that person who loses weight for myself.

"So, you mentioned you have a fiance. When is this wedding?!" Steve asked.

"May," I replied.

Just four months away.

Wow. I have my work cut out, I thought.

He laughed and then said, "So you dooo have a goal date."

So then I did a balance test and I was wobbling like a drunken fool. I truly think lack balance in my genetic make-up. But he said controlling my muscles and getting stronger will actually make me balance better. I'm up for the challenge.

Then came the moment of truth. The scale. The weight. My enemy and fuel for a serious addiction that has controlled much of my life.

"I don't want to look," I said.

"Well, then don't. I will write it down and you can look when you are ready," Steve said.

I looked. I knew I shouldn't have. Steve saw I looked too.

"This scale actually weights 5 lbs heavier, so if you step on that other scale you will get a more accurate answer, but this is hooked up to the machine that records all of your progress."

Progress, I thought. Well surely I can't get any worse than this. The scale said 224 lbs, which would be 219 on the "accurate scale."

Percentage of body fat was next. I said I didn't want to look again, but I did. I really should have never looked.

39.47% body fat.

What?!
Why?!?
How?!?
When?!?!

Deep breathe.

"I take these things with a grain of salt," Steve said seeing my eyes swell up. "But this gives us a starting point."

And it does. This is the beginning of the end. Today marks the last day that I will ever see 224 on any scale. The only time I want to see that number is on a check with my name on it.

So I am reminding myself of the advice and support you have all given me. And it works a little bit, but I'm still pretty depressed and shocked. But more so, I think I am motivated. I think I am ready to become a better, healthier person.

I have dropped below the yellow line. If I continue down the path I am traveling, I will not be the biggest loser. Every week will be approached as a day dedicated as my last chance workout. I have this chance. I have to take it. I can afford the gym (barely). I can make time to go (even though some days its hard to drag myself there). And I can do it.

Thank you so much for your support and words of wisdom. You will never, ever know how much it means to me and how often I repeat what you say to me when I am sad and unmotivated.

Much love,
Ashley

Rule Number One: Always Breathe

On my first day of my scuba lecture, my professor told me the number one rule for scuba diving: always, always breathe. The rule seems simple enough, but we go our entire lives jumping into water plugging our nose. We jump off the diving board and hold our breath as our bodies flip into the cool water. So really its not as easy as it sounds, especially for someone like me.

On Wednesday, I had my second day of scuba class in the pool. I bought a new swim suit that would certainly keep my boobs from falling when jumping into the pool and swimming every stroke in the water. I was a little late, so I was the last person to jump in the pool.

“Ashley- jump in and do your laps with your goggles and snorkel,” Carol, my instructor, said.

Sure. I’ll jump right in and have everyone wait on me. And watch me. I know some boys were probably thinking they were going to get a free show, but not today.

I jumped in and the snorkel went underwater. I choked on the water and came up hardly breathing.

“Ashley, you need to attach your snorkels to your goggles,” Carol said.

Glad she watched me the whole time. Let the games begin.

The student instructor came over and helped me attach my goggles to my snorkel. Then I took off like a kid learning how to swim for the first time. I went underwater a bit and held my breath. If I were in a cartoon, this would be the part where my face turns blue. I couldn’t figure out how everyone was doing this while holding their breath. Oh wait, rule number one. Always breathe.

I came up to the surface grasping for air. Carol probably didn’t realize I needed Snorkeling 101 – everyone knows you could breathe through a snorkel; in fact, the snorkel was developed so you could surface dive and breathe while slightly under water. I can hear you now, “Only Ashley…” Haha and I know it’s true.

But we learned a lot of tricks and skills. For example, we had to swim across three lanes without our goggles. Find our buddy and put our goggles on under water, clear the water out of my mask, put my snorkel on, and come up to clear the snorkel. I have some serious practice to do, but I am excited. I really am going out of my comfort level on so many levels. I am making myself proud and the encouragement from everyone has been so rewarding.

Thank you all for believing in me and pushing me to succeed—even if that means jumping into a pool with complete strangers to learn a skill that will allow me to conquer fears! J

Much love,
Ashley

The Summer I Realized I'm Not Superwoman

I always think when I drive. My mind never stops running. There is a song that reminds Justin of me and the lyrics say, "It scares me to death when she thinks and drives." I don't drink and drive, but thinking, yeah that is hard to control when I'm driving.

Rainy days like this remind me of tears. Which makes me think about sad events and my past. The rain doesn't always do this to me, but when I'm driving and its raining -- that is usually where my mind wonders.

Today, I drove home and thought about how I used to be a different person. I know a lot of people say that because things happen. We move away. We go to college. We find new friends. We keep old friends. We travel to new places. We stay at home. We have bad break-ups. We have great relationships. But really looking back, I sometimes think of how different I really was prior to the summer before college when two of my friends, Corey Shaffer and Rick Girod, passed away in horrible car accidents.

I sometimes think of myself as having split personalities. Imagine the "devil" and "angel" on my shoulders. On one person on my shoulder is the girl before the accidents. The "crazy" girl. I wanted to go sky diving. I wanted to be a NASCAR driver. Heck, I got enough practice driving around in my big blue van jumping railroad tracks back home. I partied a lot and didn't really care about the hangover --- it doesn't last long, right? (wrong) I was carefree and did what I wanted without taking into consideration danger of myself or others. I always had an agenda: to have fun, no matter the consequences. I cared more about going out than staying in with my family. Looking back, I wish I was around more for my brother and sisters. I can only hope that my younger siblings look up to me and cherish me in their life, as much as I value them in my life.

On the other shoulder is more who I am today. I'm still outgoing and fun, which makes me seem "crazy" to some people; however, I am fearful, yet thoughtful. Driving in a car terrifies me. I've gotten used to it being in a long-distance relationship and commuting to school, but it was really hard at first. My parents couldn't travel anywhere without me having an anxiety attack. Considering my mom lives in Muncie and works in Fort Wayne- you can only imagine how anxious I was with her driving in a car almost 3 hours a day- on a busy road that the news always reported accidents on. I worry a lot more, especially about things I can't control -- like the world ending in 2012 and tornadoes in the summer. In high school, "crazy" Ashley went parasailing. Now, the thought of falling in the sky over the ocean makes me want to stroke out. What if the cord breaks? What if they dip me into the ocean and a shark bites off my lower half!?

So now, I sit somewhere in the middle. Some days, I think I'd go parasailing again. Most days, sky diving still scares the piss out of me. But I've gotten better at the driving thing. Flying, now that is still a work in progress.

But I know that the quote "Live everyday as if it were your last" is very true- we never know when our last day on this Earth will be. Not even the Facebook application that predicts your age and how you will die can confirm your fate. I refuse to use that, on a side note.

I think of those boys all of the time. I think about how my life would be different if they hadn't passed away. I think about how the lives of my friends would be different if they didn't pass away. But I've recently learned that I need to stop thinking about "what if" and focus on "what now." They were both incredible people. Big hearts. Beautiful smiles. Bright futures. Their death made me realize that I am not Superwoman. It made me fearful of death, something I never thought of prior. I was just a kid about to go to college. Death wasn't a possibility, was it?

I know that everything happens for a reason and things like this are hard to understand and explain. I think I'm still trying to figure out why this tragic event happened to these two beautiful people at such a young age. But it can take a lifetime to truly understand something like this. One thing that does comfort me is knowing that my step mom wouldn't be healthy and well without the donation of a pancreas from a complete stranger. So maybe, for no other reason at all, they were taken from this Earth to save the life of someone else- who wouldn't be there if their death never occurred.

So what now? I have a lot of major changes in my life about to take place. Graduation. Marriage. Big Girl Job. Babies (in the future -- my fur son is enough for now). Its time to start living and update myself on the resolutions I made a few weeks ago. Being excited to change and eager to learn is always easier with a new year, but I need to remind myself of this stuff daily. I need to start a new chapter in my life with a new pen and fresh piece of paper. A new outlook on life and different perspective on the events that occur in my life. I should always remember to smile. Most importantly, I should never forget the value of time.

So for now, I'll stay in my scuba class. I'll look out the window during a storm instead of packing all my belongings in case a tornado comes tearing through my town. And I'll always, always make time for my friends, family, and loved ones -- those who are here now.

And for those who are gone, my Angels in the sky, I'll think of them daily. I'll do things to keep their memories fresh. I will talk about them. I will blog about them. And for my amazing Grandpa, who passed away my freshman year of high school, I'll have a picture of him on my wedding bouquet when I walk down the isle. In a locket. I'll carry it close to my chest, so he comes alive through my heart on my special day.

"But patiently, you slipped away from me, Oh God I want you back, Oh God I miss my friend, But so patiently..." O.A.R. ---- R.I.P Corey Shaffer and Rick Girod

Much love,
Ashley

Good Life Choice

When Justin and I moved to Indy, our apartment complex promoted that it had a "24 hour fitness room." I suppose the word "room" should have given it away that this was nothing more than two cardio machines and a total gym from 1982. There are no TVs or music playing over head to keep your mind off the burn. Needless to say, if one other person is in the room, its crowded. It was really hard for me to stay motivated there and want to go back.

One of my best friends has a membership at Lifestyle Family Fitness. Ashley kept telling me to come with her, but I kept making up excuses.

"Oh that's okay," I said. "I have p90x at home!" Yeah --- covered with DUST!

But finally we went together. She told me I had a seven day free trail pass I could use. But as soon as I walked in the door, I realized how much I miss working out in an actual GYM! Going with her was a good life choice. Better yet, a GREAT life choice.

Of course, I joined the gym that night. It cost $34 a month, which of course made me sick to think about. But hey, no more Starbucks trips daily. And no more McDonald's for dinners when its late. All the money on unhealthy expenses will now be going toward a healthy investment.

The gym also has a pool, so I can practice for SCUBA class. It also has free workout classes I can attend. I also get three personal trainer sessions to get me started --- a $15o value, for free!

I think watching other people working out hard is also key. You see the look in their eyes. The determination. The tears. You hear the moans. The grunts. The loud sighs. And it makes you work harder too. You learn new moves and different approaches to machines and weight lifting. You make friends who are also making healthy options in life.

I can't wait to see where my weight loss journey will take me.

Much love,
Ashley