My Secret Addiction

I have worked on this blog post for about four weeks. My inspiration to finally completely disclose my addiction came from one of the most influentical professors in my life, Brad King. He was talking to a fellow student, Tiffany, about starting her blog. He told her about how a woman called and left a minute voicemail about how his stories shaped her life. Finally, she encouraged him to keep writing. Sometimes parts of our life aren't pretty. It doesn' t make us proud when we look back, yet this unchangeable past is part of who we are today.

I kept trying to perfect my story. In a way, hoping the story would change. But it didn't. And it won't.

I don't remember how my addiction started. I can't seem to remember the exact day that I realized eating less food would make me thinner. Seems like common sense, but looking into my past seems like the only logical way to understand the development of the addiction that transformed my life.


As a young child, I remember constantly trying to fit in. I didn't really get into fashion and make-up as a young girl. I would rather play baseball with the boys than go shopping. I would rather get dirty than get dressed up. My idea of the perfect outfit was basketball shorts and a sports team hoddie.


All of that changed when I entered high school. I wanted so desperately to catch people's eye. I wanted the football star and wrestling champion to notice me. So, I started working out. But then my addiction with losing weight caused me to eat less. I would skip breakast. Eat five bites of my salad at lunch. Run five miles after school. Do 300 ab crunchers a night. And then try to skip dinner or simply have a few bites of something just to aviod the conflict of my parents asking my why I never ate anymore. Or did I have enough to eat? No, I didn't. But yes, I said.


But then I realized eating food released stress. So I started to binge. I would sneak home after school before cheerleading or track practice and eat an ENTIRE pizza to myself. Then, I would rush to the bathroom. I turned on the shower trying to cover up the sound of me purging, which was hard to cover up. And really, how many showers does someone take a day? If my family was keeping track, I took about five a day. Binging and purging became a huge part of my life. After every meal, including the holiday meals, I would run home in antipcation to control my obession with "looking good" and "being healthy." I did this knowing that I could get rid of it all. Maybe it was about control. Maybe it was about "my health." Whatever it was about- it led to dangerous consequences. My heart started to skip beats. I would be running and I could tell my heart wasn't like it used to be. I would cough up blood during the winter when the cold air burned going into my fragile lungs.

Ironically, I titled my blog "my secret addiction." Addictions typically aren't secrets. Most of the time, people around you know. For me, people saw my outside appreance change. My weight dropped. My hair was falling out. My voice was tougher. People probably knew. Just like other addictions. The people around you seem to know you have a problem before you realize what you are doing is causing much harm to yourself. Even more so, your addiction causes much more pain to the people around you.

I don't know how many people have read this far into the blog. If you have, I owe an explanation of how my addiction stopped. But let me inform you that addictions always live within you. The urge to puke after a heavy meal weighs on my mind daily. Just as a recovering alcoholic walks into a resturant and glances at the beers on tap. I don't need to puke and they probably don't need to drink. But sometimes the want still lives within.

I finally realized that each and every time I stuck my fingers down my throat, I was taking away days, months, years- away from my family. My future children need a mother in their life. Right now, my sisters need a positive influence in their life now. I can't be that person that believes doing damage to their body to look good is a justifiable thing.

People without an addiction like this don't understand the things that I say. For example, a girl in class told me she wanted to join the peace corp. and my first reaction was, "I know someone who did that and he lost a lot of weight." The average person would think of noble good this individual is doing, but my first thought goes to weight. I can't control it. I rememebr wanting to go on the show "Suvivior" just so I could lose weight. That is patethic. But that is part of who I am. I am a work in progress.

So here I am today. I haven't purged in about one years. I have relapsed a few times in college, but maybe only five times total since high school- a huge accomplishment for me. I have gained all the weight back. My addiction to controlling how I lose weight didn't work. Trust me, it never works. Your body needs food. Your body needs to physical activity. Right now, I'm just trying to remind myself that these few extra pounds are worth it. I can lose weight the healthy way -away from the scale and away from the toliet. But not a day goes by that I don't think about my addiction or my desire to look good again. I guess I am just some where in the middle. A lost child in the store. I'll continue to look down every isle until I find myself right where I need to be.
I'm hitting "publish now" hoping that this helps fill up the holes of my past.


My final thought: help someone if you know or suspect they have an eating disorder. And if you are doing this, stop. I promise, it will save your life.

Cancer

Cancer changes people. The disease transforms one's physical apperance, mental state of mind, and outlook on life.



Dark brown hair becomes gray. Long hair dwindles away with every chemothearpy treatment. Pounds sheds off once full hips. Voices become deeper. Arms become weaker. Eyes become darker.



The mind becomes a new world. Thoughts of death surface daily. Prayers and encouragements ease in from the love and support of others. Should-have-dones and what-if lists fill the empty spaces that were once focused on the t0-do list. Days become sadder and the hours become shorter. Of course, this phase doesn't always last forever; the important part is to remember "this too shall pass."



Life becomes a different journey. Goals, experiences, and obligations all change. Sky diving becomes a better option than going to work. Traffic jams just really don't matter. Spending time with one's family sounds more pleasing than a business meeting. Why does it take getting cancer to realize the way one lives each day?

I don't have cancer. But I have interviewed patients with the life threatening disease, all of which made me cry as they opened up about their deepest thoughts and darkest moments of their life.

A man who lost his wife to breast cancer and his daughter to brian cancer was diagnoised with prostate cancer three years ago. His inital doctor told him that it didn't matter what kind of treatment he recieved because his chances of survival were the same, slim. He was a 9 out of 10 on the Gleason Scale, which meausres the risk of reoccurance of the cancer based on the biospy. After treatment at the Saint John's Cancer, a combination of chemothearpy and 52 radiation treatments, he is cancer free. Driving his hot rod car, so fast that his cheeks wiggle up and down, reminds him the rush that one recieves when we really live life.

Another man diagnoised with colon and rectal cancer reminds everyone that cancer is not automatic death sentence. Cancer gave him a reason to live. The hopeful man shares his story with others reminding them about the importance of maintaining a healthy life style and prevenative health screenings. "Cancer and death-," he said then paused. He looked around the room and starred back into my eyes and said with confidence, "I have no fear anymore."

My best friend's dad just found out he has esopogual cancer. He starts radiation on Nov. 9. Blood test will indicate if the disease has traveled to other parts of his body. His health and her family haven't escape my mind. I believe their faith and treatment plan will be crucial to his battle with cancer. He is a fighter and a believer, a perfect combintation to overcoming cancer.

My biggest thought from this blog is that we shouldn't wait until we get cancer to realize what we should have done and where we should have gone. Cancer shouldn't be the reason we call someone just to say, "I miss you." Every single day should be lived with our best intentions. We should remember to follow a path that leads us to our hopes and dreams.

Remember- life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to the events in your life.

Choose wisely what matters to you.

The Beginning

The beginning of most events, people, and places are usually the best. We are taught this from the beginning of time, the day we are born. Our birthday is one of favorite days of the year, it was the beginning of our life- we must celebrate.

The first few weeks of any relationship are always the best. The kisses that give you butterflies. The back rubs at night that make you fall asleep in each others arms. The constant text messages that one day will become extremely abnoxious.

Those feelings don't always fade away; however, I'll never forget the first night meeting Justin. Neither of us wanted to go to the party, but mutual friends dragged us along. I was drinking and he was smoking, not an attractive combintation on our parts. He introduced himself as, "The Cool Guy That Hangs Out Here." I laughed in his face with my piercing machine gun laugh and said, "I'm Ashley Mother &$R#@@! Bedwell- never forget it!" -- And walked on. Our paths crossed on the stairs again. Desperate for a beer pong partner (I know, you think we are so classy), I grabbed him and forced him down the stairs. While I could quite possibly be the worst beer pong player on the face of the earth, we won that game. We made the final cup, at the same time, to win the game. I wrapped my arms around him and said, "YOU ARE MY SOULMATE!"

---How funny the story is this day as those sounds still ring so true. We are getting married May 15, 2010. I can't wait, but those first few weeks of the relationship were still some of the best during my short 22 years of life.

And places. The first day of school is always the best. I remember being about seven years old. Going back to school shopping was my favorite time of year. New clothes. New caroyns. Heck, even new glue got me all excited. Maybe that is why we were so happy in our youth. We could really take time to enjoy the small simple pleasures in life.

Today marks the beginning of my blog. A place for me to grow as a writer, to complain about my day, to laugh about my akward moments, and reach out to people through my biggest passion in life; writing.