My Hardest Afternoon as a New Parent

Justin's alarm clock upstairs has been going off for about an hour, but it feels a lot longer. 

I spent a good 20 minutes (okay, maybe only 5) this morning searching for Bandit around the house... Turns out he was locked outside. 

Cooper has terrible gas and only wants to sleep in my arms.

It's 5:15 am. I have been awake on and off since 1:42 am. Tears filled my eyes...I just don't know how I can keep going...

I rocked Cooper and let a few more tears fall down my face until I felt ready to put him back into his bassinet. 

After a power nap and a glimpse at my son's sleeping face, the hectic early morning hours seem to fade away. 

It's 9:15 am now. The house feels calmer ...maybe that's because I forced Justin to go turn off his alarm clock (he never came back down... So I am guessing that he is passed out face down on the bed). I can't blame him...he spent the midnight shift with our restless boy. 

Bandit is sleeping next to me on the couch. He seems just as exhausted as me... When he wasn't locked outside, he was by my side for every feeding and diaper change. 

And for my sweet baby boy, well- he is resting in my arms like an angel: 

There is no denying that these past few weeks have been hard. Amazing, but hard. 

The hardest day of all was last Tuesday. Cooper was only 5 days old. I think I cried the entire day. I had a blazing headache and Cooper was refusing to eat. He would literally fight me every single time I tried to nurse him. He hadn't peed in more than 12 hours and didn't have a poopy diaper in about 48 hours.

We called our pediatrician and thankfully they squeezed us in right away. Cooper was so sleepy and looked jaundice still. I knew he wasn't eating enough and my supply seemed low, but we didn't start him on formula yet.

I spent most of the day texting my close girlfriends with kids and asking them about breastfeeding tips and explaining our situation. I honestly don't know what I would have done without their kind text messages, advice, and encouragement. 

Once we got to the doctor's office, we learned that Coop had dropped 11% of his birth weight (13 ozs). He still wasn't very fussy - just extremely sleepy. At times it seemed great to have a baby who slept so much, but once I realized his sleepiness was due to sickness and a lack of food...I cried and cried and cried. I couldn't even look at him without crying and thinking I failed him. 

While waiting on the doctor to come in, Cooper peed all over Justin. I watched the pee come pouring out of his diaper. I cried happy tears that time - a positive sign! 

Once the doctor came in, she had a bottle with formula in her hand. We needed to start supplementing that moment. Our sweet baby boy needed food. To be honest, I was sad my body couldn't give him what he needed - but I was so thankful he was eating and getting what he needed to survive. 

I quickly realized that supplementing with formula does not make me a bad mom. In fact, I don't think moms who choose to only formula feed are "bad moms" ... You have to do what's best for you and your child. I was determined to not let anyone make me feel like a failure (including myself). And I made a promise to keep trying to nurse Coop as much as my body would support. 

I watched Cooper get his foot poked for lab work and he didn't cry once. Again, this broke my heart because I knew it probably hurt him... But he didn't have the energy to cry. 

When we got home, Justin went to the store to pick up some food that was supposed to help increase my supply (oatmeal, brown rice, rice cakes, whole grains, leafy greens, etc). We were desperate to do anything and everything to increase my supply and feed our boy! 

While he was gone, I tried to wake Cooper up to eat. But he wouldn't wake up. 

Tears were streaming down my face...

"Baby boy! Wake up...mommy needs you to eat. My sweet Cooper...please wake up!" 

I was flicking his feet. Rubbing his chin and belly.  He was stripped down to his diaper. And the ceiling fan was on to cool the room down. 

I picked up the phone and dialed Justin's number. I put the phone on speaker mode and once Justin answered I told him Coop was taking forever to wake up. 

I watched as tears splashed on my phone, "I am trying everything to get him awake... It's just not working and I don't know why. Hurry home please!" 

We eventually got Coop up to eat, but that was definitely the scariest afternoon in my new parenting life.  

I could cry just thinking about the emotions and memories from the day. 

Nursing Coop has improved tremendously. My supply is still low, so we are still supplementing, but it's working! We spent a few more days getting lab work and weight checks. This past Friday, we had a weight check and Coop was up to 8 lbs and 1 oz!  

"Keep up the great work!" The doctor said as we left the doctor's office. I felt proud and satisfied with our plan and hardwork. 

After talking with a few friends, I realized that my situation is normal. A lot of new moms experience exactly what I went through with nursing Cooper. Breastfeeding is hard...and you would think breastfeeding would be easier since its such a natural process and woman have been doing it forever, right!? But honestly, breastfeeding is way harder than labor. Yes, I said it. Pushing a child out your vagina is easier than the physical and emotional pain I have experienced with breastfeeding...but just like labor, once you have breastfeeding down and you have a great session with your little one- it's simply an amazing experience than no one can strip away from you. The pain is worth it. Always. 

Everyone I talked to about my issues with breastfeeding told me the same thing... Do your best. Keep trying! Don't give him! It will all be better soon!!! 

And they were right! 

It does seem to get a little easier.  Cooper nurses better than ever before! He has learned more about me just as I have learned more about him. And people are right when they say breastfeeding is an amazing bonding experience. You should honestly see Coop's little face after he gets done nursing... I think he is the happiest baby on the planet! And even though babies don't technically smile yet, I swear he is smiling!! 

We have gotten past our "hardest afternoon" so far. But I know more challenges lay ahead. The first fever. The first ear ache. The first flu. The first broken arm. The first time falling down the stairs. The first head smashing into a wall or corner. 

All of those scary moments are in my immediate future. But I've learned early on that I must stay clam, trust my instincts, and never be too shy or afraid to ask for help. And I know I have a lot more learning ahead of me. 

Being a new parent is an exciting, scary, amazing, and exhausting journey. We've had great nights and we've had long nights. Justin and I have both been tested and pushed to new limits. We have said things we don't mean and laughed really hard about other things we've said in our sleepy state of minds. 

But at the end of the night, when I get the chance to look at our resting baby boy, who is calm and happy in his own little world... My heart feels complete.

 

And I could live in that moment of peace and perfection forever. 

Much love, 

Ashley 

PS - please excuse any typos! I am sleep deprived and wrote this blog on my phone. 

The Best Lactation Consultant I've Had

I am sitting in the dark. 

The room is quiet. 

 

My tummy is growling, and my husband is softly snoring. 

Cooper is laying next to me in his crib and I keep watching his belly go up and down. 

Up and down. 

And I can't stop crying. 

So I wanted to start writing...so please excuse me if I have more typos than normal. I am on my phone, in the dark, and have wet eyes. 

We had an emotional morning. Cooper was brought to us from the nursery in a rampage. He was screaming and red in the face...did you hear him crying from your house!? I wouldn't be shocked ... Bless his heart. 

Anyway, the nurse woke me up and said he was ready to eat...we knew putting a screaming baby on your boob is no plan for success, so we tried skin to skin for a minute to calm him down. Nothing. 

I couldn't help myself and started crying too. 

"This is awful," I said. "I have no clue what to do and he won't latch on..."

We had some problems with latching earlier, but he was a champion right after birth!! 

His eating got worse after his circumcision, which they predicted...but that didn't make it easier for me emotionally. Or well physically - when I am stressed...Cooper is stressed. 

I felt so overwhelmed. And unsure of myself.  

But Justin wasted no time perking me. Standing by our side. Holding Cooper. Changing him (Justin has changed more diaper than me!!!). 

Justin always says he is a butt man, but I think he is truly a boob man. I can safely say that he is the best lactation consultant I've had. 

He literally walks and talks me through everything. He holds Cooper's head, squeezes my boob the right way, and adjusts us both when needed. He speaks closely, slowly, and softly - rubbing my back and shoulders as I sob. 

And when we latch - he gives me a high five and tells me great job! He kisses my forehead and keeps me inspired. 

He is the best cheerleader, husband, and father in my whole world. 

The last two feedings were wonderful. And instead of crying, I found myself praying. 

And when he was done nursing the last time, we just stood up and Justin held me in his arms as I cried. But this time I cried happy tears...we will get this tackle this journey called parenthood...side by side and hand in hand. 

I've been watching videos about breastfeeding, asking questions, speaking up about our challenges, and writing everything down. I am not giving up - even though I said that probably 10 times when and thought it 30 more during our meltdowns earlier. But we kept going. We will get this... We will get better day by day...and as Justin reminded me ...I've only been a mom for 1.5 days...I can't expect to be a pro yet! 

And honestly - that look on his face and his snuggly body when I am done... It somehow just makes every tear worth it. 

But our new outlook, prayers, and teamwork seems to be paying off...because I have two very sleepy boys next to me who mean the world to me. 

Thanks again for all your love and support throughout my pregnancy and now Cooper's first few days into this world. We are so blessed and loved - we feel your love in so many ways and through so many words. The comments, messages, gifts, and visitors alone just bring tears to our eyes...

The labor and birth story is longer and I don't know how much time I have left to write again. So consider this your teaser...

Stay tuned! 

Much love, 

Ashley 

7 Years (And 70 to go)

Seven years ago today, Justin stood on the steps of his dorm and asked me to be his girlfriend.

Our first picture together!

We have shared hundreds of memories...

Camping...and I am NOT a camper.

Eventful vacations

Liquid courage before our flight.

After jumping into the freezing cold ocean. I'm dying at his facial expression!

Beach kisses.

Our very first vacation together.

A wonderful puppy

BABY BANDIT!

Our first apartment

Family pic in our first apt together.

A fabulous wedding celebration

Getting low on the dance floor during our first dance.

Our first kiss.

A first home

The key to our first house!

King & Queen - decorating the house!

And (almost) a baby later...

I love him more than ever before...

I was only 19-years-old when we first met. It seems so long ago, but I'm so blessed that I've literally grown up with Justin by my side. 

I shared this post on Facebook and Justin's reply was SUPER adorable.

He wrote: "Wow. I can't believe that was 7 years ago. We were 19!!! If the past 7 years had that many adventures and memories, I can't wait for the next 70 years (yes, we're living past 90)! I love you."

I am so incredibly blessed.

And thankful.

And happy.

Tonight, we shall celebrate by letting the pre-baby makeover continue...I am getting pedicures with my best gals! Then Justin and I are making pasta with homemade sauce!! I'm going to show him how to make homemade garlic bread using hotdog buns, cheese, butter, and garlic powder - a childhood staple of mine. I'll be happy to supply you with the recipe - just message me.

Oh, it is love. 

Much love,
Ashley 

Crash Into Me: Our Love Story

I drove his Jeep to work this morning. The AC is broken, which meant I was cruising with the windows down- all four windows – on my way to work.

His radio is broken too. So I plugged my iPhone into his cassette adapter and listened to Pandora.

The first song that came on was “Crash” by Dave Matthew’s Band. 

I instantly thought of the first night Justin and I met.

Our first photo!!!

How we crashed into each other so unexpectedly. 

I was not ready for a relationship. Well, emotionally anyway. But I guess I was always the girl secretly looking for that “once in a lifetime” love – but after so many heartbreaks, I was fragile. 

And broken. 

Oh, so broken.

And I suppose I wasn’t ready to “settle down” – it’s funny looking back at my former self. 

I was so stubborn and independent. 

I think Justin would argue that I still am both of those traits.  

But I was convinced I would move to New York City. 

I would be a columnist or author like Carrie Bradshaw from Sex & the City.

Or become the next Oprah Winfrey. 

Or write novels like Stephen King – only my novels wouldn’t be horror stories. They’d be inspiring love stories or hilarious tales from a single woman’s hilarious life in a big city. 

Maybe I’d have kids. 

Maybe I wouldn’t. 

But if you’d ask me when I was 19, I would tell you kids aren’t for me. 

I glanced down at my belly.

My 8 month pregnant belly. 

It’s amazing how people can change you – in a good way, of course. 

And it’s amazing how your expectations and dreams can also change. 

I started to think back to the moments in our relationship that defined us. That shaped our future.

That first night we met.

We were just 19 years old.

Babies. 

We were just babies – trying to figure out who we were and what we wanted to do with life.

I’ll never forget that night. What we wore. The first words out of his mouth. Our first kiss (yeah, it was that night – sorry for being so classy, mom). 

We won our first game of beer pong together. I told him he was my soulmate. Little did I know, I was right.

 I had found my soulmate that night in a dirty college basement.

The night we crashed into each other.

The night that shaped my future. 

One single night.

Just a few short months later, I knew I loved him. I hated every second I was away from him. I wanted to sleep next to him every night. I wanted to see his face every single morning. I wanted to eat every meal with him. I wanted to tell him every story about my day. I simply wanted to share every moment with him.

I remember one night we were studying for an all-nighter together.

I looked over at him.

He looked so handsome.

He didn’t know I was watching him. He had his glasses on and he was deep into reading his text book.. His hair was longer. His eyebrow was pierced back then too.

Justin had more piercings than me. Kidding, but really.

I love this man. 

I had only known him a few short months, but I felt it with every inch of soul. I knew I never wanted to experience a second of this life without him by my side. 

He caught me staring at him.

Oh crap! Look down!

“What?” he asked and smiled.

“Nothing,” I said and quickly pretended to be reading again. 

Who wants to read about tribes in South Africa for their Anthropology class when love is on the mind?

I couldn’t be the first to say “I love you” – even I though WAS the one who said it first a few weeks later.  I was getting ready to pick up a friend from the airport and I stopped by to drop off something. He gave me a hug and kiss goodbye then I turned around and yelled, “See you later! Love you!”

We just starred at each other without moving. 

Yup, I just said it. Those three small words with such a big meaning. 

But I pretended I didn’t say it.  

He pretended not to hear it. 

And then we later joked about it. 

Just a few days later, he told me he loved me as I was crying my eyes out because my car got towed.

“This stupid girl said I could park there!” I said bawling. “How can I even afford this?!”

“Don’t worry, baby!” Justin said. “I can help you out.”

I looked at him with tears overflowing my eyes and he said, “I love you!” 

But he said it so quickly that it sounded like one single word. We joke about that all the time too.

I have many other memories and moments in our relationship that melt my heart. 

The time he borrowed someone’s car in a HUGE snow storm just to get to Marsh and cook me dinner. 

Our first Valentine's Day dinner together.

My boo.

The time he took care of me when I felt like I was dying from my wisdom teeth surgery. 

Wisdom teeth removal = the worst.

Our first vacation to Florida together (I was kind of an asshole, but he stuck with me). 

Beach babes.

One of my favorites.

 We always joke that if we could survive that trip together – we can survive anything....

We have so many firsts.

The first and only time I wore shamrock earrings.

Sure, we have bad days. 

And we are both guilty of saying things we don't mean.

We're human.

We aren't perfect.

But I do believe we are perfect (as perfect can be) for each other.

It’s easy to forget those moments and memories when stresses and worries from the day cloud my mind. 

But this morning, my mind was clear as the sky. 

My windows were down.

And I couldn’t help but be extremely thankful for the day that Justin and I met.

The day I fell in love with him.

Our first all nighter!

The day I actually told him I loved him.

We look so young!

The day he proposed.

Cheers to a perfect day!

Even though he actually proposed on my 21st birthday with a cocktail shrimp!

I said YES!

The day we got married.

Such an incredible day...

The day we found out I was pregnant.

Baby Sieb!

And every single day in between.

Love in a nutshell.

Love (in all forms and capacities) is truly what life is all about…plain and simple. 

Thank you for making me a better person, Justin. I can't tell you how happy I feel looking through all of these old pictures and thinking about all of our great memories. I know we have many, many more to come...I love you.

Much love,

Ashley

Cute Husband Shout Out

"Do you think I should change before we go to dinner?" I asked Justin. 

Before he could answer, I asked another question, "Or will you be embarrassed to be seen with me dressed like this?" 

Dressed like this = comfy workout pants and my Jada Beauty t-shirt aka my good luck outfit!!! 

(More details about Vegas day 1 coming soon). 

He laughed and said, "No baby- not at all!" 

"Okay well there will be hot girls out here," I said back feeling frumpy. 

"There always will be hot girls," Justin said. "But you'll be the most beautiful pregnant woman everywhere we go!" 

He is both honest and precious. 

Also, I ended up changing for dinner (in case you were wondering). 

Much love, 

Ashley 

A Day Date and Mom Inspiration

J and I had a fun day-date together today.

I told him on Friday that it is hard to believe we only have 11 weeks of left until our little guy arrives. No longer just the two of us...

Walking down the street, I looked in the mirror and realized how pregnant I am. 

"Holy cow!" I said. "My bump is no joke!"

Justin got a huge smile on his face and put his hand on my belly. 

"And I love it," he said. 

When we got to the restaurant, Justin did what he normally does...he takes small pieces of the straw wrapper and turns it into a small ball. Then he tries to shot the tiny ball in my cleavage. 

He made it on the first try. 

I was too hungry and tired to care where it landed - and didn't feel like flashing the entire restaurant to pick out the straw ball. 

Fun fact - I went to the bathroom later tonight and that straw ball fell out from my pants / underwear!! Don't even ask how that happened ....

Anyway, after lunch we walked next door to a new coffee shop and tap room in Richmond, called Roscoes. 

I was overwhelmed (in a good way) with drink options. A few of my favorite latte types include: 

Peanut butter & jelly 

Turtle cheesecake 

Blueberry cheesecake 

Butter rum

Almond joy

Salted caramel 

French toast 

"I just love this place!" I told Justin right away. "It just makes my heart sing!"

They also severed beer, local craft beer, and sandwiches that made me want to eat another lunch!  

I ended up picking a pumpkin chai - you guys know I have a weakness for anything pumpkin. 

I walked around the building - soaking in the music, laughter of children with their parents, and the local artwork. 

They had a stage in the back room where musicians, poets, and comedian come to perform. 

This is my kind of place. 

Realizing I am 29 weeks today, I snapped this baby bump selfie in the bathroom mirror. 

Yes, I am wearing jeggings. 

And yes, they are incredibly comfortable.

As I walked out of the bathroom, I saw a mom joking with her kids that she was singing on the stage. 

I smiled at her and she laughed. Embarrassed, she said, "Sorry!" 

And her kids laughed harder because a stranger busted her in the act! 

But she had nothing to be sorry for...she was being a fun mom. 

A mom who isn't afraid to be herself and make her kids laugh. 

A mom that teaches her kids to love life at all times. 

I hope that I am that kind of mom. 

Much love, 

Ashley 

Bigger and Bigger

Bam. Look at that belly. 

Speaking of belly, my wardrobe selection gets smaller by the second. I nearly cried tonight while trying on dresses and skirts that were once loose...

"Everything okay, baby girl?" Justin asked when he came upstairs. 

"Well, besides the fact that nothing fit me anymore..." I said. 

"You are almost 27 weeks pregnant," Justin reminded me. "And you are going to get a lot bigger over the next few months." 

Bigger?

Than this? 

How much bigger? 

"But you are seriously so beautiful," Justin said and then kissed my forehead.

Thank goodness for a supportive husband!  

 

In other news, I presented at a marketing conference today!!!! 

I am writing a blog post to share the details + pictures tomorrow. Stay tuned. 

Much love, 

Ashley

Favorite Outfit Friday: May 31, 2013 (Johnny Cash Day)

I might change my "Favorite Outfit Friday" series to "Whatever Ashley Still Fits Into by Friday" - What do you guys think?

Every morning before I leave, I give Justin a kiss goodbye. Barely awake, he kisses me (sometimes missing my lips) and says, "You look so beautiful!"

Even though he has eye boogers and I know his eyes are half open, I always appreciate the compliment.

This morning, I leaned over and gave him a kiss. To my surprise, his eye widen and he said, "YOU LOOK LIKE JOHNNY CASH!"

Okkkk...sir. What does that mean?

"I mean, with all black like that!" he said, before I could ask if he was implying I look like a man.

Cute bow tie necklace!

You can't even see the toilet behind me anymore!!!

"Well, thanks!" I said. "But I'm wearing black and DARK blue jeans!"

"Same difference," Justin said.

I shake my head and begin walking downstairs as I shouted up to him, "HAVE A GREAT DAY!" 

And then, (obviously) he started singing his Johnny Cash voice, "And it burns, burns, burns -in the ring of fire."

Much love,
Ashley

Inside My Own Mind

Writing these blog posts are always so difficult.

I stumble over finding the right words. I write a few sentences and then delete everything.

I struggle with what to share and what to keep to myself.

I realize I’ve been quiet lately on my blog the last few weeks.

You’ve probably wondered if I am busy.

Or simply you question if I am simply ignoring you.

Or maybe I have nothing to say.

But those are not the reasons...

You see, writing this blog means I live a very public and open life. I am often brutally honest in my writing – about how I am feeling.

I mean, you guys know more about my weight struggles than my doctor. And you guys know my actual weight better than the BMV (although, this last time I didn’t lie!!).

And sometimes- being open and honest is hard. It means I have to admit defeat and difficult times. And share stories that aren’t full of rainbows, my little ponies, and sunshine.

Many exciting things have occurred over the last few weeks.

Justin celebrated his 26th birthday.

We celebrated our third year in marriage.

I heard Baby Sieb’s heartbeat again.

We booked a trip to Vegas in July (future blog post coming soon).

But these past weeks have been hard weeks.

Weeks that I’ve found so incredibly hard to get through with my sanity intact.

I try not to bring other people (especially my family and marriage) and work into my blog posts.

Number one, I don’t think it’s fair for me to share personal stories of others. And then you would only be hearing one side of the story, which would be mine.

 And number two, I hardly ever blog or post things about work (unless it's more on the positive side).

It’d be different if my blog was geared toward my profession – or other marketing professionals. But these are stories of my life…mainly my personal life.

And having my personal life separate from my work life is very important. 

In fact, I think people are CRAZY when they post terrible things about their job, boss, or company in general. Social media and the Internet don’t forget things…and don’t think that you’ll be fine if you vent and then delete your post. The world is full of screen capture tools these days…

So while I won’t go into detail about the crazy, emotional draining aspects of life lately, I’ll leave you with these cliff hangers:

Work is exhausting. It really is...And I honestly love my job. I am VERY blessed to work with such creative and supportive people.

But lately I’ve just found myself running in circles.

Am I focusing on the right things?

Will this ever end?

What should I tackle next?
Which is more important?

Everything is important.

And everything has a deadline of yesterday.

Usually, I pride myself on my organizational and prioritization skills. But when everything is important and every was due five seconds ago, I’m just struggling with finding balance and peace in juggling with work.

It will be fine.

I will be fine.

I’m just…overwhelmed.

And then there is marriage. When Justin and I found our bridal showers, our guests would fill out advice cards. I actually still have them at home. I found them last night while cleaning up the bookshelf.

I was overwhelmed with the amount of “negative” comments we received. Not negative in the sense that people wrote “RUN FOR THE HILLS AND NEVER LOOK BACK!”

But people would always say things like:

Don’t go to bed angry – talk it out!

Would there be lots of angry nights ahead of us?

Don’t stop holding hands in public- try not to lose the passion that brought you together in the first place.

Would we be passionless souls one day? Simply two roomates living in the same house- sharing bills and waiting for the microwave while one person made pizza rolls and the other person warmed up canned soup?

Marriage is the hardest job you’ll ever have, but it’s worth it (most of the time).

You mean there is something worse than getting yelled at back angry restaurant patrons or sick patients? How is marriage a job? Isn’t it supposed to be filled with love and romance and long nights cuddling next to a fire place?

I guess what I am saying is I had no idea how true these statements would be…

And you know why?

Because you are two completely different people.

Coming together as one.

Different beliefs.

Different perceptions.

Different ideas of clean vs. dirty.

And in our current case, different opinions on timelines and due dates.

We celebrated our three year anniversary on May 15th. I wanted to blog about that too – all of the moments we’ve shared along the way.

All of the laughs.

The tears.

The adventures.

The memories.

I shared those thoughts in Justin’s card. And while even over the last few days, we’ve had our differences.

We’ve had a few bumps in our road.

We got through them.

We talked about them.

We taught each other lessons.

We hopefully inspired each other to change or be more open minded about the other person’s “side” on the matter.

Those people weren’t lying in the advice cards.

Marriage is hard.

Marriage is work. I mean, really- really hard work.

Marriage is a full-time job.

Marriage requires commitment and strong will to never give up.

Because at the end of the day, you will have troubles with anyone you marry. Simply because you are different people trying to live one life.

But if you remain faithful, positive, always communicate, and HAVE FUN – you’ll be fine. You’ll get through the bumps in the roads.

Justin and I don’t have it all figured out – but who really does? Sometimes people tell us we are the “perfect couple” and I laugh – because that’s far from true.

 Even though I’m a perfectionist, I will be the first to admit we have our flaws and work for improvement. Both of us. We are just two imperfect people trying to build a  happy life together. And raise a son together in a few short months!!

I really had no clue what I was going to say today.

I just started writing…just started pouring out my thoughts. I feel better already. I feel like I am coming to peace with a few long, exhausting, and emotional weeks.

So, where have I been?

Inside my own mind. 

But I'm ready to come back out! I'm ready to write more and just share stories - big or small.

Writing is my therapy.

And when I am stuck inside my own mind, I forget how to cope.

I forget how to move on.

I forget that writing is the key to moving forward. 

I'm happy. Today is a new day. You have nothing to worry about. Justin and I are just the normal married couple - trying to figure out life and each every other day single day.

But I suppose what will make us different is that we don't give up so easy.

We talk it out.

And cry. Well, I cry - as often as I need.

Maybe it's the hormones. Maybe it's just me. Either way...

Remember to love hard and always try to forgive.

Much love,
Ashley

His Smile

"I want mac & cheese, a side salad, and a wrap!" I told Justin.

Everything at Scotty's Brewhouse is so amazing- and deciding what to order can take an hour.

Such an important decision...

"Ashley, do you remember the last time we ate out and you ordered too much?" Justin asked. "You barely at it all!"

"Well, that wasn't at Scotty's!" I replied back quickly.

I saved half my wrap for Justin and shared few bites of my mac and cheese with him too.

The waiter should have just left a pitcher of water on the table because I was chugging my water down too.

"You're a thirsty lady," she said.

"Well, I'm growing a baby!" I replied back.

At first, she didn't know what to say back- I think my comment caught her off guard.

"Oh wow- that's exciting!" she said. "Congrats! You drink up!"

I got up to use the restroom. When I walked back to our table, I noticed Justin had a huge smile on his face.

He has been smiling at me like that a lot lately.

"What are you smiling at?" I asked.

"You," he said.

"What about me?" I asked, thinking I had mac and cheese stuck on my shirt or maybe even my maternity band was showing ....

"Nothing in particular," he said. "I just love you. And your pregnant belly."

Our little one isn't born yet, but Justin is already a proud papa.

And our love grows for each other every single day.

We fight.

Everyone does....

But we know how to say sorry, make-up, and move on.

We also dress up as Harry and Lloyd from Dumb and Dumber.

And nothing makes me happier than when he smiles at me for no reason at all.
 

Much love,
Ashley 

The Dates You Remember

Some dates you'll never forget.

You know exactly what you wore.

What you said.

How you felt.

Who was there.

And eventually, you realize how that date- that moment- changed your life.

As I was driving to work, I was reminded of a date that defined so much of who I am. And unfortunately, this date put a wedge in my trust and relationship with Justin for years.

Justin was the perfect boyfriend- he really was!

He loved me...a love that I only thought existed in movies.

I could be myself (aka a complete werido).

Justin made me feel beautiful and special no matter what I was wearing or how much make-up I had (or didn't have) on.

In fact, he preferred me without much make-up on.

A natural beauty, he'd say.

He loved me no matter the number on the scale or size of pants.

He made me laugh. He made me feel safe.

And yet, I didn't trust him.

He'd never given me a reason not to trust him.

This was seven years ago.  

And a few months earlier, someone gave me a reason not to trust...anyone.

It was March in 2006.

I had just gotten back from Spring Break a few weeks before...my boyfriend was acting strange - pushing me away. He said we needed a night apart, but his voice was odd.

His text messages were short.

And he didn't IM me when I got on AOL messenger (don't act like you didn't wait for that one person to IM you first). 


I agreed that we should spend the evening apart. I went off to play beer pong with some friends...I was playing with a guy I just met. I couldn't tell you his name today if you gave me a million dollars. But I do know...that he tried to kiss me...and I pushed away. But I felt guilty.

Did my frustrations with my boyfriend get the best of me? 

Was I being overly flirty? 

Or was this guy just a creep?

I felt the party with my best friends at my side- Toni, Travis, and Luke. We marched over to my boyfriend's house. I knew something was wrong...and I wanted to fix it.

Who knew moments later I'd be the one needing fixed?

I reached his front steps and the lights were off, but I could see the TV was on.

Without knocking, I opened his door....slowly- careful not to wake him if he was sleeping.

I shouldn't have been so careful...

I opened the door and the street lights brightened up the room.

There he was...

With another girl...

He was on top of her...they were kissing...and I'll spare you the other details.

Those next few minutes were a blur. I didn't yell at home...or punch him. You always think about what you'll do in moments like that, but I was so shocked.

So hurt.

I walked into the other room- covered my face with my hands and the tears started pouring down.

I needed to get out there....and fast.

"I can't believe you, (insert said boyfriend's name)," I said.

I walked outside and fell to the ground.

My friends were waiting outside.

He wasted no time jumping up and locking the door.

Toni saw my reaction and jumped back to the door. She started banging on it and screaming at him...calling him names...names that he so rightfully desired!

And my little Toni Bug- still my best friend...and I know that no matter the situation - she would still bang down someone's door to defend me.

And then carry me home like she did that night.

I will always love and adore her...

For some reason, I was reminded of this day while driving to work this morning.

One of those moments that shaped my life.

That next day, I vowed that no man will ever determine my happiness.

I declared that I'm in charge of my feelings and emotions.

I was stubborn and broken at the same time.

I put up a wall.

On August, 19, 2006 I met Justin. And from that date on, he worked soooo darn hard to get inside my mind to figure me out. And break down that wall.

I'm so thankful that he never gave up on me.

In fact, I'd often thank him for letting me deal with my emotions in my own way (and time) without running away.

"I'll never give up on you, Baby," he would say back every single time.

You see, I remembered the timeframe of the March incident this morning while driving to work.

I don't remember the exact date.

Or time.

Or what I was wearing.

But I'll never forget the date that Justin and I met.

I was wearing a teal shirt with Silver jeans.

My hair was down and blonde from the summer sun.

He was wearing khaki shorts with a black Ball State t-shirt.

And I'll never forget the date that he asked me to be his girlfriend, August 22.

Justin was in khaki shorts and a red T-shirt.

 I was in workout clothes - leaving the gym.

"So, do you want me make this thing official or what?" He asked.

"YES!" I said, overly excited. "Wait, does this mean I can make it Facebook official too?"

As clique as it sounds, everything in life happens for a reason.

I could have spent my life dwelling on that ONE moment, with that ONE awful boyfriend...but instead, I decided to take a leap of faith with ONE amazing man.

So don't hold onto the wrong dates.

Let go.

Remember the dates that bring positive memories....

The dates that flood your body with happiness. 

Days like this...

Nervous bride smile!

Sealing my promise with a kiss.

And then shoving cake up his nose.

All happy marriages are filled with fabulous dance moves.

And don't forget...

Wedding hangover.

 

Much love,
Ashley

Pregnancy Symptoms + Ashley

"Welcome back!" Justin told me this afternoon. "I am happy to see you awake and moving."

Awake and moving- those are two interesting concepts these days.

I'm blessed to say that my number one pregnancy symptom is fatigue. Maybe I shouldnt' use the word "blessed" because my on-the-go personality is going crazy with a 7 pm bedtime.

But honestly, I probably needed this rest.

My body definitely needed the rest.

And so did my marriage. I forgot how much I love just laying around with Justin. Nothing to do except for snuggle up and debate who killed Allison on Pretty Little Liars. 

Anyway, I am lucky to say that I've had little to no morning sickness.

I haven't thrown up once!

A few times I've felt nauseous, but I drank some water and tried to eat a few crackers. If that doesn't work, I just take some TUMS and fall asleep. 

Friday evening was the worst. I had heartburn from eating spicy soups at work earlier in the day. The only thing that sounded good was a grilled cheese, campbell's chicken noddle soup, and a Sprite. Thankfully Justin went to the store and whipped me up a dinner perfect for someone with the flu.

Saturday I tuned into a bear in hibernation! I truly slept / laid around watching the rest of Pretty Little Liars (yes, I'm addicted). The only time I got up and moving was around 6 pm. I went to pick up my pre-natal vitamins. Justin also called and asked me to pick up some lemons for my blueberry-lemon water. 

Of course, I ended up picking up two bags of chips, chip dip, cake mix, icing, and stuff to make rice crispy treats. I'm happy to report that I didn't eat all of these foods for dinner. Instead, I spent the night baking for the Super Bowl festivities.  

So in terms of craving, nothing has really taken over my life. I can tell you that the thought of Taco Bell makes me want to vomit on the spot. And my favorite snack is Special K cereal. 

So let's talk about mood swings. Yes, I have them. And sorry for anyone who has been in my path during one of my breakdowns- I'm sorry...there is probably more to come.

I am usually a pretty emotional person, but now I find myself crying at more things than usual. 

I cried at the end of the Butler game a few weeks ago. I don't even follow college basketball. I can't name a single player on the Butler team.

I cry during EVERY Hallmark commerical. 

I cried when I saw a man running with his dog. Seriously- just a normal dog. And a normal guy. But they looked happy, so I cried. Maybe it's because I miss running (it's hard to run when you are sleeping).

I cry when I don't know what I want to eat. Or when nothing sounds good. Or if I see a sign for Taco Bell.

I cried when I heard a Lady Gaga song on the radio the other day. I have no clue where she is and that makes me sad. 

Anyway, here is your recap:

• I'm a sloth.
• I haven't spent one evening beside the toilet. 
• I'm obsessed with figuring out who killed Allison from Pretty Little Liars. 
• Taco Bell makes me want to curl into a ball and cry.
• Because I cry about everything.

My doctor has been listed as "high risk" still- so that means I'm visiting them for an ultrasound and doctor visit every two weeks. I'll explain more tomorrow. Don't fret- I'm doing just fine and Nemo is definitely growing like a tumbleweed!

Much love,
Ashley