The room is quiet.
My tummy is growling, and my husband is softly snoring.
Cooper is laying next to me in his crib and I keep watching his belly go up and down.
Up and down.
And I can't stop crying.
So I wanted to start writing...so please excuse me if I have more typos than normal. I am on my phone, in the dark, and have wet eyes.
We had an emotional morning. Cooper was brought to us from the nursery in a rampage. He was screaming and red in the face...did you hear him crying from your house!? I wouldn't be shocked ... Bless his heart.
Anyway, the nurse woke me up and said he was ready to eat...we knew putting a screaming baby on your boob is no plan for success, so we tried skin to skin for a minute to calm him down. Nothing.
I couldn't help myself and started crying too.
"This is awful," I said. "I have no clue what to do and he won't latch on..."
We had some problems with latching earlier, but he was a champion right after birth!!
His eating got worse after his circumcision, which they predicted...but that didn't make it easier for me emotionally. Or well physically - when I am stressed...Cooper is stressed.
I felt so overwhelmed. And unsure of myself.
But Justin wasted no time perking me. Standing by our side. Holding Cooper. Changing him (Justin has changed more diaper than me!!!).
Justin always says he is a butt man, but I think he is truly a boob man. I can safely say that he is the best lactation consultant I've had.
He literally walks and talks me through everything. He holds Cooper's head, squeezes my boob the right way, and adjusts us both when needed. He speaks closely, slowly, and softly - rubbing my back and shoulders as I sob.
And when we latch - he gives me a high five and tells me great job! He kisses my forehead and keeps me inspired.
He is the best cheerleader, husband, and father in my whole world.
The last two feedings were wonderful. And instead of crying, I found myself praying.
And when he was done nursing the last time, we just stood up and Justin held me in his arms as I cried. But this time I cried happy tears...we will get this tackle this journey called parenthood...side by side and hand in hand.
I've been watching videos about breastfeeding, asking questions, speaking up about our challenges, and writing everything down. I am not giving up - even though I said that probably 10 times when and thought it 30 more during our meltdowns earlier. But we kept going. We will get this... We will get better day by day...and as Justin reminded me ...I've only been a mom for 1.5 days...I can't expect to be a pro yet!
And honestly - that look on his face and his snuggly body when I am done... It somehow just makes every tear worth it.
But our new outlook, prayers, and teamwork seems to be paying off...because I have two very sleepy boys next to me who mean the world to me.
Thanks again for all your love and support throughout my pregnancy and now Cooper's first few days into this world. We are so blessed and loved - we feel your love in so many ways and through so many words. The comments, messages, gifts, and visitors alone just bring tears to our eyes...
The labor and birth story is longer and I don't know how much time I have left to write again. So consider this your teaser...
Stay tuned!
Much love,
Ashley
