I Don't Know How She Does It

I have a friend that wakes up at 4 am every single morning to write or wok on his freelance projects.

I used to think he was CRAZY! I couldn't ever imagine getting up that early and functioning well enough to brush my teeth - let alone write or work!

And then I had Cooper!

The most beautiful baby.
Yes, I'm biased, but those eyes just melt my heart.

Boy how things change after having kiddos. I love him with all my heart, but let me tell you...4 am feels like sleeping in these days!

Baby Cooper sleeping and holding my hand.
He was only A WEEK old in this picture.
Slow down, time.
Slow.
Down.

I've actually been up since 3 am today. Cooper woke up and needed feed and changed. He quickly fell back asleep, but the distraction of Justin and Cooper snoring kept me awake. Fine, I won't let them take ALL the blame. I was also making the list.

I first learned about the concept of "making the list" when I watched a movie with Sarah Jessica Parker called, "I Don't Know How She Does It." Sarah played an incredibly busy working mother, who loved her kids dearly, but also loved her career!

Coop watching me get ready for work this morning.

Even before I had Cooper, I imagined my life would be very similar to Sarah's in the movie. When she should be sleeping at night, she found herself making a mental list and check-list of "to-do" items.

And that's exactly what I did from 3:30 am to 4:30 am today.

• You need to pack diapers. Lora said you're almost out. Don't forget extra clothes, teething supplies, formula, and wipes too!
• The new dishwasher is getting installed this morning! You'll need to unload it before you go to work - Justin might forget or not wake up in time!
• Did you submit your blog post ideas for the upcoming Jada Beauty blogging schedule? Don't forget to do that by Tuesday!
• Remember to take out the mini wieners from the freezer and put them in the fridge. And remember to tell Justin that he's responsible for little pigs in a blanket for the New Year's Eve party tomorrow.
• Do you have your dress for the New Year's Eve party yet? It's a Mad Men Theme...what do Mad Men even wear? I need to look this show up on Netflix.
• Don't forget to grab the clothes that you need to take back to Old Navy on your lunch break.
• Speaking of lunch, don't forget to grab your lunch in the morning and pack the grapes and banana. 
• No waiting until the New Year to start eating healthy. You destroyed all healthy eating over the holiday when you ate a pound of bacon for Christmas brunch the other day. Try not to eat a pound of mini wieners tomorrow.
• DANG IT - I don't have any clean leggings. 
• Looks like I'll be wearing jeans today. Let's hope I have a clean vest so I can cover up my muffin top.
• I need to get back to the gym. Put that on your list of things to do tonight.
• I wonder what Cooper is dreaming about...Oh, I just love him so much. 
• You should probably just get up and shower. There is no way you're getting back to sleep.

And that's my life these days.

Being a working mom is a lot harder than I ever anticipated. 

The first challenge is simply missing Cooper and fighting off the mom guilt that's associated with working. I know I'm doing what's best for our family right now, but there are just some days when I would love nothing more than to be at home with Coop.

The best part of my day.

The second challenge is battling the physical and mental exhaustion. By the time I get home from work, I'm ready to go to bed. I am NOT complaining. I realize all new moms feel this way. But I somehow need to find time to:

• Eat dinner
• Walk Bandit 
• Feed Cooper
• Change Cooper
• Give Cooper a bath
• Read to Cooper
• Go to the gym
• Write (personal or freelance via Jada Beauty)
• Do dishes
• Do laundry
• Do more dishes
• Feed Cooper
• Change Cooper
• Pack my lunch
• Shower 
• Sleep??
• Feed Cooper
• Change Cooper
• HAVE I FED BANDIT YET!?!
• .......

And more often than not, I don't end up doing all of those things because I'd rather snuggle with Cooper than put him in the YMCA daycare so I can workout. I've been trying to workout on my lunch break to help with my evening time management though!

Some days, I don't know how I get through the day. 

Literally, I have no mental recollection of the day.

But I do.

I make it.

I might not have make-up on. I'm probably wearing leggings. There is a STRONG chance I left something at home. And my hair is probably a mess (if I had time to shower). But I get through the day...

Just don't be upset if I don't respond to your text messages right away.

Don't be mad when I don't answer my phone - I only have two hands and I can't talk on the phone when I'm talking to Coop. I promise I'll call you back when I have a free second!

And please do send me a reminder email if I've forgotten to reply to your first email or simply forgot something you asked me to do in person.

And while my life is crazy and hectic at times, there isn't much I would (or could) change. I'm so incredibly happy to have Cooper. He lights up my world. He gives me meaning and purpose.

Love captured in a single moment of time.

I love Cooper more than anything in this world- he's inspired new goals and reminds me to be the happiest mom possible.

He's the happiest babes in the world.

He keeps me balanced and reminds me to focus on what TRULY matters...not trivial, silly issues or drama. And I know that working helps us save for the future and afford nice things for our family.

So, dear blog reader, I am SORRY that I've been MIA.

I did miss you. 

And I certainly missed my therapy (writing). I was shocked to look at my blog and see only a few blog posts for the month. I knew that writing had taken a spot on the back burner, but I didn't realize it was that far back....

Trust me, I have plenty of blog posts brewing in my mind! And I have inspiration saved in my inbox from the Think Kit 31 Days of Blogging Challenge that I royally failed at this month.

Every morning, I'd see the topic and get excited about what I could write about...then before you know it, the next day had arrived. And then I was a day behind, two days behind, and then days turned into weeks.

Adjusting to my new work schedule and surviving all of the holiday madness simply got the best of me!

Sweet little Coop was sick on Christmas too.

But I'm ready to focus on my new goals for 2014.

And I'm doing my best to embrace healthy habits (both physically and mentally) for the coming year.

My word of 2014 is CLEAN! 

I'll share more about what that word means to me in my next blog post and review how I did with my word for 2013: NEW.

Much love,
Ashley

PS I think stay at home moms work just as hard and are equally exhausted! This blog post is just based on my personal situation. And in an attempt to not sugar coat everything, I am simply sharing that life (while more fulfilled and beautiful than ever before) is simply busier as I try to adjust to new schedule. Thanks to all of you for supporting me and encouraging me during this new adventure! 

Daycare Diaries: Day 1

You guys know how I feel about returning to work and leaving my babes. I've shared stories here and here. Oh yes- and here too!

As you know, I'm crushed- it truly feels so unnatural to leave your baby. 

Thankfully we found a wonderful woman to care for Cooper. You could see how much her and Coop bonded when we had our "interview" a few weeks ago around my birthday. And let me tell you- finding her was a gift. 

On Thursday, we did a dry run with daycare because I had an all company meeting to attend. 

Even though I was so sad to leave him, I found myself getting excited about dressing up and socializing! Goodbye yoga pants, hello new sweater dress.

Still rocking my post-baby curves!

I spent most of my morning snuggling with Coop and taking hilarious selfies: 

"WHAT?! I'm going to daycare today!?"

Whyyyyy sooooo serious, Coop!?

"I farted."

And he kicked around with captain calamari for a bit. 

"I'm not so sure about you anymore, Captain Calamari."

SO handsome!!! And finally getting some more hair.

By 11:45 am, I had everything packed up for Coop's first time at daycare. I know I over packed, but that's just my style. 

I prepare.

I plan.

And I (over)pack!! 

Before we left the house, I had a pep talk with Coop. And I made him promise not to forget me...

When we pulled into the driveway, tears filled my eyes. 

"Get it together...it's just a few hours!" 

I took a deep breath like my friend Erin reminded me to do and went to grab Coop. 

He was kicking, smiling, and being his normal happy self (thank goodness he is feeling better ....leaving a sick baby would be even harder).

The front door was open.

I knocked and waited for her to come greet us.

She looked so happy and excited.

Her house was beautiful -decorated with Christmas decorations and cleaner than our house. Way cleaner. I could pretty much see my reflection in the floors and loved smelling that the fresh lemon scent. She must have majored in "cleaning" at college. Clearly I missed the memo on that course. Sorry, Justin.

Anyway, Christmas music was playing in the background. And I noticed she had a Christmas baby book laid out on the counter (she later told me how excited she was to read that book to Cooper).

I dropped off Coop and ran back out to the car to get his other bag and bouncy chair. I wanted to feel like he was at home as much as possible.

When I got back into the house, she was already holding Coop.

He was smiling at her and she was laughing.

"He is so full of personality," she said. "We will have a blast today!"

And before I could say anything, she added, "And look at you! You look fabulous!!"

Good call, Lora. Make me feel better about myself. Distract me from leaving my son with your kind words and compliments. I knew I liked you...

It worked for a minute and then my heart melted as I watched her and Coop interact with each other.

And that's when it happened. 

The pressure built up in my throat. 

My eyes got warm. 

And I made the face -the ugly "I am tying so hard not to cry but it's about to burst out of me!" face. 

Lora looked up and caught me crying. 

"I promise we will have a blast," she said. "I know exactly how you feel! But save the tears for Kindergarten - that's when it really gets hard." 

And then the water works came pouring out. 

Maybe it was because she was so kind. 

Maybe it was because Coop is already growing up to fast. 

Maybe it was because I didn't want to leave him- not today or ever. 

I'm guessing it was all three of those emotions and feelings....

"I am just so thankful we found you," I said as tears poured down my face. 

I looked at Coop, who was still smiling and loving life. 

"He means so much to me and I am just happy we found someone who will treat him so well," I said choking up again. 

We shared some more small talk and she kept assuring me that everything will be fine.

"Have fun, today!" She said. "It'll be good for you to get out of the house. And we'll have lots of fun here too! I kept telling my husband about how amazing Cooper is...he's such a happy and easy baby!"

I thanked her again and snuggled up with Coop one more time.

I found the courage to walk back to the car. 

Alone. 

Without my heart. 

I barely made it off her porch before I looked back to see his face again.

She already had the door closed, but I could still see them through the glass.

They seemed to be dancing around the house to the Christmas music.

I took a deep breath - he will be fine. 

Once I got to my work meeting, I was extremely thankful to see familiar faces. Everyone was so supportive and kind. I shared some laughs and even ate food from one of my favorite places (McCallister's Deli). 

About 30 minutes into our separation, I got this sweet picture of Coop from Lora. 

Happy boy. Daycare is DEFINITELY harder on me than Coop.

Driving home was the best part though - my excitement to see him was overwhelming. And when I arrived back at her house - I was so happy to hear how well Coop did at daycare. 

He was really sleepy when I picked him up. So when we got home, I got the chance to snuggle up with him on my chest, which is the best part of my day! 

A sleepy baby on your chest might be the best feeling ever.

And when he woke up, he was as happy as ever! 

Smiling so big his nose crinkled up.

And I was reminded by his facial expressions and stories that he definitely missed me too! 

Telling me stories about his day.

Tomorrow is the big (sad) day! My first official day back to the office. I plan to take it day by day ...  Minute by minute. 

Justin is coming with me in the morning to drop off Coop. I'm so thankful that Justin will be my side in the morning...And  I know I'll be greeted with supportive and happy faces on Monday at work. 

I'll miss my Cooper so incredibly much, but I have to trust in my heart that Coop is in good hands. He will have fun, share lots of smiles, and appreciate his new friends! 

And I will be eager for picture and text updates all day long! The best part of my day will be picking Coop up after a long day apart from him. I know I will appreciate our time together so much. I'll still manage to get in my 30 million kisses I give him each day. We can watch our episode of LIVE with Kelly and Micheal online together. And I'll absolutely snuggle with him and listen to his stories until he gets sick of talking!

I'm trying to stay strong. And I am praying for mental strength and positivity tomorrow (and every single day I have to spend apart from my baby).

Thanks to all of you for your support and encouragement as we start this new chapter and routine together. So many of you have lifted me up with your positive experiences and encouragement.

I keep reminding myself of the comments / advice that people have given me...here are a few that get me through (in case any other moms out there are looking for some perspectives about returning to work from maternity leave):

"It's the hardest at the beginning. It does get easier. Unfortunately people judge you regardless, but do what's right for you. Personally, I thought I wanted to stay home full time, but once I found a job I love, who is flexible with working moms. ..I want to go back. I like feeling like I'm still me. And I'm a better mom when I get home. And I'm able to do fun things with them without feeling like" I shouldn't be doing this, we can't afford it." If you choose to stay home, a career will always be there. But don't be fooled with the comments like" you'll miss out on everything. " because you won't. And coop will not forget you and he will always know your his mama." 

"Oh man, I wish I had a great secret, but for me it has just been getting a little easier everyday... It's still hard though and it's been 3 months.. What I do is keep very very busy so I don't have time to think, and try to remember that I'm working so she can have a nice home, clothes, all that.. I also actually pulled up my student loans and printed my total to remind myself I have to work both to pay them and so hopefully I can help (my daughter)- it will come back to u how important it is to have a part of your life that's just about you (work) .....Also ask if they can send u pics- my daycare will even FaceTime if I freak out."  

PS I'd like to add that moms who stay at home STILL working a full-time job! It's a lot of work to raise children - and you make a TON of sacrifices too! Whether a mom decides to work or not is a hard decision....and each family needs to make that decision based on their unique situation. No mom should ever be judged for her decision to work again or stay home with her kid(s). 

Much love, 

Ashley 

Your Year in Photos

I signed up to participate in a blogging project via smallbox called ThinkIt. Each morning, I get an email explaining the topic for the day.

Today, my topic was "your year in photos." As I lay here in bed - barely keeping my eyes open and blogging from my iPhone, I am reminded that my year could really be summed up in a single photo. 

A photo that captured the moment I held my son for the first time. 

The best day of my entire life. 

The love of my life.

Experiencing the miracle of pregnancy, labor, and birth was incredible. I count my blessings each day that Justin and I were able to get pregnant. 

The week I had Coop! Still hitting the gym and exercising!

Lord knows we tried- not as hard as some couples. But I can recall those heartbreaking moments of each failed pregnancy test...but every moment in life has a reason and purpose. 

Cooper was worth the wait. 

That smile.

Tomorrow will be my last Monday at home with Cooper during my maternity leave. I am devastated, to be completely honest. The thought of leaving him with a woman I barely know (even though seems so sweet and loves Coop already), just brings tears to my eyes. I was lucky get 12 full weeks off with my little love. My heart aches for woman who get any amount of time shorter than that...I never want to leave him. But I know I need to give working a shot. I will do my best to provide a good life for my sweet baby boy. But there is no denying how much I will miss him when we are apart. 

I will miss our daily snuggle sessions so much. 

I live for his snuggles.

I will miss watching LIVE with Kelly and Micheal with him each morning. 

Coop makes the BEST faces.

I will miss hearing him cry during tummy time every few hours. 

Finally, a moment of tummy time when Coop ISN'T crying!

I will miss him holding my hand during our daily feedings- even though he sometimes tries to be independent and hold the bottle himself. 

Stop trying to grow up so quickly, Coop!

I will miss hearing him tell me stories all day long. 

Such a happy baby in the morning (well, always)!

I will miss watching him stretch really big when he wakes up from all of his naps! 

Big stretches!

I will miss snuggling with both of my boys  all day long. 

My boys. My other boy was taking the picture.

I will miss hanging out with captain calamari and coop! 

Snapchatting with Coop.

I will miss our daytime shopping trips and errands! 

That belly.

I will miss the sound of his piano playing while I am in the kitchen doing dishes or stretching out next to him. 

Coop looking at himself in the mirror.

Simply put, I will miss spending each and every day "at home" with my littlest, best friend. 

Little brother.

The best part of my day.

Stinky feet!

HEY MOM!

Coop looks like an alien!

This smile. He is the sweetest.

Family stroll!

This smile. This face. I adore him.

SO handsome!

Family picture at Thanksgiving!

My handsome boys

Cooper made 2013 the best year of my life. And every year I continue to spend with him will continue to touch my heart and fill my life with so much happiness and love. I'm so blessed and lucky to have Cooper as my son. 

Much love, 

Ashley 

Four More Mondays

I woke up this morning feeling a little sad. My maternity leave is up on December 9, which seemed far away when I first had you.

I will love you forever and for always.

But the time- as they've always told me - has flown by.

And on Thursday, you will be 8 weeks old! I am VERY lucky to take the full 12 weeks off with you. Some woman get half that time or less. But the longer maternity leave doesn't make returning to work any easier....no time will ever seem like enough time. 

I'm sure every mom feels this way.

So as I watched you sleeping this morning, I felt sad that I only have four more Mondays to spend with you on my maternity leave. 

Four more Mondays to lay around all day and take selfie pictures together. 

Your alien face.

Four more Mondays to run errands and lift up my car seat cover to see your happy face!

So what if we drive to the bank and back without pants on?

Four more Mondays to lay around and talk during Tummy Time.

"I'd much rather just lay my head on this comfy pillow than strengthen my neck."

Four more Mondays to snuggle on the couch until you fall asleep on my chest.

A sleeping baby on my chest might just be my new favorite thing. Ever.

Four more Mondays to take a million pictures of you and your countless faces and expressions!

I'm only slightly obsessed.

Four more Mondays to stare at your little face and soak in all of your sleeping smiles and laughs.

You stole my heart.

Four more Mondays to sit around and watch Netflix + our favorite daytime TV shows (LIVE with Kelly and Micheal, The Price is Right, Ellen, and Bethenny).

Big feet, little feet.

Four more Mondays to try and convince your puppy brother that you just can't throw things yet.

Sharing is caring.

Four more Mondays to enjoy our trips to Target, car rides to enjoy the leaves changing colors, and Starbucks pit-stops. 

Someone wasn't too impressed with Target.

Four more Mondays to fold laundry and look down to see you watching me with a sweet look on your face.

Your faces are priceless.

Four more Mondays to look at your beautiful face and try to predict what you're thinking.

"Um, I wouldn't wear that if I were you..."

Four more Mondays to be mismatched twins together (and for me to live in my comfortable yoga pants)!!

"Mom, whathca thinking by keeping me down here with your smelly feet!?"

Four more Mondays to see that smiling face after you're done with your bottle.

I obviously love this picture because I've used it in my last 3 or so blog posts!

Four more Mondays to watch you sleep and wonder what you're dreaming about...

Fact: You snore loudly like your father.

Four more Mondays to watch you make hilarious faces while you sit in your "old man chair" and poop.

"You don't want to change this one...."

Four more Mondays to watch Bandit slowly creep up to you and give you kisses on your cheek.

You'll be the best of friends.

Four more Mondays to enjoy afternoon walks together on beautiful Fall days.

My loves.

Four more Mondays to snuggle with you AND Bandit at the same time.

Seriously - how adorable is this moment?

I realize that I can still enjoy these moments and memories with you once I return to work.

I will still take lots of pictures of you, snuggle with you, and dress you in mismatched outfits.

I will still play with you, run errands with you, and melt every single time you smile at me.

Yes, you certainly are handsome.

But returning to work will be hard.

So hard.

8 full hours away from you.

8 full hours that I have to trust someone to care for you, love you, and keep you happy and well.

8 full hours to imagine what you're doing, how you're feeling, and if you're missing me too.

But instead of being sad and worrying about that sad morning when I'll drop you off at daycare for the first time, I'm trying my hardest to remain happy and thankful for the FULL days we have left together.

We still have four more Mondays together....

Much love,

Mom