I Shouldn't Have Looked

I shouldn't have looked.

But I did.

I guess it wouldn't matter though...because my doctor brought it to my attention anyway.

My weight.

The number on the scale.

I was doing SO good for the first five months.

Then, I started to let myself go.

Cupcakes? No problem.

Bacon? Absolutely.

Cheese? On everything please.

Mountain Dew? Yes, let's do the dew.

Working out? Pshhh I'll do that tomorrow.

Then you add in the past two weeks.

First, there was Chicago, which meant I was eating out and snacking on Garrett's popcorn.

Then, there was the week of ALL day meetings and evening events (reading between the lines - I had pizza, Qdoba, and Yats for lunches followed by dinners out with my team).

I knew what was coming.

I knew the number would be high.

But not that high. I simply wasn't ready for it.

If you've followed my blog, you know weight loss has ALWAYS been a popular topic. And I've had my ups and downs....and I've picked myself up countless times.

But this time -I'm growing a baby. A little tiny human. Someone who needs me to be healthy and active. Not just during pregnancy, but as a mother as well.

You want to know the number, don't you?

I thought about not telling you, honestly I did. I thought about hiding this secret all together. And maybe not even telling Justin...But writing about my feelings. Being open. Being honest. That's how I heal. That's how I deal.

First, I'll tell you that I gained 11 lbs in ONE MONTH!!! That's an average of 2.5 lbs a week. 

Barf.

Second, I'll...tell...you....the number on the scale.

267.

YIKES!

That puts me at 29 lbs gained for this pregnancy. And remember how my goal for the ENTIRE pregnancy was to gain between 25 and 30 lbs?

Oops. 

The doctor measured my belly and asked how I was feeling.

She found little Cooper's heartbeat, which makes my heart so happy every time, and said, "You've got a happy baby in there!"

I was so happy to hear that his heartbeat is great + he is moving around + loving life.

My placenta is in the front, which makes it really hard for Justin (and sometimes me) to feel him moving around. Sometimes I get worried, but then he will kick me ...that's his way of telling me to calm down. Everything is fine.

"Well, my darling, your blood pressure is great, but.."

I could have finished the sentence for her. I had be sitting in the exam room the whole time. Starring straight at the ceiling. Fidgeting all over the place. Analyzing everything I'd eaten over the last month.

"It looks like you have a spike in your weight," she said.

I came clean about everything.

Admitted to my poor diet and exercise habits.

She was pleased that I was honest. She said some woman just act like they're in denial and say, "I have no clue how that happened!"

"Well the good news is you know what happened," she said. "And you have the tools and resources to bring things back on track. I don't want you to lose weight at all. But just try to exercise again and have a healthier diet. Let's try to see you gain under one pound each week."

So instead of feeling sorry for myself and stopping by Flying Cupcake, I drove my happy butt to Whole Foods. I was supposed to get free lunch at work (Fazoli's aka carbs, carbs, and MORE carbs) - but I turned it down. Yes, that's right. I turned it down.

IF I TURN DOWN FREE FOOD THAT IS A BIG DEAL!

I went to the salad bar and created the most amazing salad I've had in months. I stayed away from the bacon, eggs, cheese, and ranch dressing - which are my usual salad toppings of choice. Instead, I loaded up on mixed greens, quinoa, wild rice (don't ask - it sounded good and WAS good), pumpkin seeds, yellow squash, grilled chicken, and just a few croutons. For my dressing, I sprinkled on some olive oil then purchased some pesto, which I added later!

Bam. Nailed it.

It was AMAZING!

I also picked up some fresh green beans (my current favorite veggie) and just a little bit of the organic mac and cheese (just a little bit though...and the fact it was organic + not very cheesy made me feel better about life).

Perfect combination if you ask me.

I even had some leftovers.

See Ashley, eating healthy CAN be satisfying and fill you up.

I'm not being hard on myself. Some people might comment that I'm pregnant and shouldn't worry about this...but the reality is, when the doctor tells you (in polite terms) to get your shit together and eat better and exercise more, you need to do it.
 
So, here goes nothing. We've got about 11 weeks left (ummm that seems so short). I've got this...I know exactly what I need to do to maintain my weight better and stay active.

Much love,
Ashley

Smiles, Flutters, Breakdowns, and Celebrations

No, I didn't give up blogging for lent.

Sorry if I had you worried.

Life has been flying by (mostly in a good way). On Thursday, I left work early and headed to Decatur for a date night with my sister.

I had a chance to hug and kiss on my nephews and visit with my mom before we left for our big date.

Aunt Ashley kisses don't creep my nephews out yet.

Our date started at FlatTop Grill (basically build your own stir fry = amazing).  We had a lot of laughs and shared a lot of smiles.

And honestly, I needed it more than anything...

My beautiful sister and me before running to the concert!

Then we headed to the Luke Bryan concert! I was so happy and thankful Sarah brought me along (she received the tickets as a Christmas present). She is madly in LOVE with Luke Bryan and after Thursday night, I'm joining the Luke Bryan fan club. I mean seriously- his moves, his smile, and his voice...obsessed.

I was standing up and dancing to one of Luke's songs (I REALLY wish I could remember which one it was, but I was battling hard to stay awake at the same time) when I felt something magical.

I felt Baby Sieb flutter!!!!!

It wasn't like a fart bubble.

And it didn't feel like my stomach was growling from hunger.

The feeling was comparable to butterflies in my stomach (but not like the kind you get when you're nervous).

Baby Butterflies!

At that moment, I confirmed my suspicious that Baby Sieb is a girl.

And she too has a crush on Luke Bryan.

Disclaimer: I'll be happy if we have a baby boy, but I'm just basing my guess off the fact that the baby has a high heart beat and I've had zero morning sickness. When my mom was pregnant with all of the girls, she wasn't that sick. When she got pregnant with my brother, she was sick constantly. AND my sister has two boys and she was really sick when she was pregnant with them!

Gotta Get Down on Friday

I spent Friday morning eating pizza for breakfast with my nephew and telling stories. His imagination and ability to tell stories on the fly amazes me. He will definitely be a writer one day. I have no doubts. And I refuse to let him waste that creative mind!

We had lunch at Pizza Hut. And by "had lunch at Pizza Hut" I mean I dunked absolutely everything I ate in Pizza Hut's ranch dressing ....the best EVER! Can I get an Amen!?

Friday night we had dinner with Justin's high school friend, Jason, who surprised us by paying for dinner (so sweet!). His parents also came along...Rodger (Justin's Dad) and I made plans to do a 5K together!

"Well, I'm going to be 5 months pregnant then," I said. "So I'll probably be really slow!"

"Why do you think I'm budding up with you!?" He replied back laughing.

Fair point. Our goal is to finish in under 45 minutes, which is perfectly reasonable! I'm excited!

Breakdowns and Celebrations

On Saturday afternoon, I had yet another breakdown about my appearance.

I know, I know- I'm pregnant.

I'm growing a baby.

And I just wrote a blog post about how SILLY I am to stress about weight when I am growing a mini me or mini Justin, which is absolutely incredible!

But, it's just hard.

I'm getting back fat.

My hips just keep getting wider.

And I just have a gut.

There isn't a defined, beautiful baby bump yet. Although, I was teased with this "bump in the making" on Saturday morning:

Seriously, it's mainly the shirt + baby bloating that gives the bump illusion.
But any sign of a bump makes me happy.
So I'll take it.

I guess I just always thought my bump would appear earlier...and that everyone could just tell I was pregnant.

Instead, I'm just getting chubby.

And no one knows. 

So anyway, I went to Kohl's and quickly realized I am officially out of my original size. 

The arms are tight in clothes.

I need bigger bras or else I have back fat rolling out like Fifty Cent at Da Club.

I had pretty much given up on finding cute shirts or dresses.

And the mere sight of swimsuits brought tears to my eyes...

Then, before my very eyes, I found a maternity section!! I found an awesome t-shirt (that hides the unflattering parts of my body) and a dress / nightie for myself + a onesie for Baby Sieb.

Double win!

I wondered over to the workout area. And found myself wishing I was training for a half marathon. I tried to run the other day and I officially can't run half a mile without stopping + nearly having a heart attack. I've lost my running mojo....

Justin creeped up behind me and tried to goose me (aka grab my butt). However, it didn't work because I have a Justin-dar and quickly turned around to see him creeping toward me.

He instantly knew something was wrong.

"Baby, what's going on?" Justin asked.

"I'm just so discouraged," I said. "Nothing fits. And I'm getting so fat!"

"Nooooo!" Justin said back quickly. "We don't use that word, remember! You're getting cute."
 
He wrapped his arms around me. I was still facing away from him.

"Babe, this is just the beginning," Justin said. "You're going to be a lot cuter soon. I mean REALLY cute."

Despite my frustrations and emotions, I realized I'm super lucky to have such a loving and supportive husband.

My history with my weight and eating disorders is the source of my emotions right now. And I need to remind myself that I wanted this pregnancy more than anything.

I want to be a mom.

I want to be a healthy mom.

And acting, thinking, and feeling so hopeless about my weight is not healthy.

So, I'm a work in progress.

Everyone is, right?

My breakdown quickly escaped my mind after we attended a gender reveal party for one of Justin's close friends from high school.

They didn't know what they were having until the firework show (when everyone else found out as well).

It's a girl!
Congrats Mandee and John!

 I had a blast (and yes, I obviously want to have a gender reveal party now).

Justin isn't so convinced about having the party / not finding out on the spot!

"Ashley, we give each over our Christmas gifts at like...Thanksgiving! Do you really think we will wait and not find out until everyone else does?" He challenged me.

"YES- I think we can wait!" I replied back confidently. "Heck, we've waited long enough as is.."

"Well fine, let's just not find out until birth then," He said back, with a snarky tone. "I can do that."

"Get real, Sieb" I said.

Seriously, how perfect is this idea!?

Wear your guess!

 So, the debate for the gender reveal party continues.

In the meantime, take the gender poll on my blog + email (harass) Justin about all of your brilliant ideas for our gender reveal party! ;)

Much love,
Ashley

Fatter vs. Cuter

I was walking out of the office yesterday and said goodbye to my friend Jami.

"Well, maybe on Monday I'll be fatter!" I said patting my stomach.

"It's not fatter, Ashley," Jami said.

"Cuter?" I suggested instead.

"Yes!" Jami said. "You'll be even more radiant than you already are today..."

She made me smile.

You guys know I'm terrified about gaining a ton of weight with this pregnancy.

EVERYONE has that number on the scale that just terrifies them.

Disclaimer: This is a stock photo . I am not this pregnant yet.

And beyond a number, I just want to remain healthy and fit during my pregnancy so that I can be the mom I've always wanted to be...active, fun, and ready to tackle 5ks together with my little nugget.

When I went in for my first consultation in November (not pregnant at the same), I weighed 239 lbs.

On January 7, I had my first doctor's appointment. I was five weeks at the time and weighed 236 lbs.

I went back for my 8 week check-up and I was still 236 lbs!

I've been trying to get out of the mindset that "I am eating for two!"

That's a very dangerous outlook....

I know that I only need about 300 extra calories a day. So I'm sitting around 1,600 calories a day.

I'm trying to pick healthy snack options like Special K cereal, popcorn, or fresh fruit. Let's be real - sometimes the cookies and cheese dip win. BUT not always, which is good.

Last week, my boss came down to my desk and said this out of no where, "Ashley, you're pregnant. I don't want you to see you stressing about gaining weight..."

I'm thankful that he took the time to remind me that I will gain weight. And that's normal...

On that note, I can't tell you how AMAZING it is to have a supportive work family. Makes a huge difference...

Anyway, I've decided I need to stop using the word "fat." 

I'm cutting the word out of my vocabulary.

And I'll replace it with the word "cute."

But I am still determined to remain as healthy and active as possible throughout this pregnancy, especially once I get my energy back!!

This is also NOT me.
Number one, I don't live by a beach.
Number two, I plan to run in pants / tights.
Number three, I will wear shirt that will avoid a boob or two flopping out.

So ladies and gents, bring on the baby weight...

In moderation, of course.

Much love,
Ashley