Don’t Let Bullies Define Your Self-worth: A Short Memoir

The scars of bullying can last a lifetime.

The cruel words seem to never escape our minds.

While I’ve been blessed enough to have some AMAZING, ENCOURAGING, and LOVING family members and friends (like you reading this blog post)…it’s taken many years to let the positive words beat the negative comments and stories. 

And when I saw this video today about a beautiful woman who defends herself when a man called her fat, I felt so inspired to support and spread her words! Go watch this video and then come back to my blog. I'll be waiting...

Thanks for coming back! Isn't Jennifer AMAZING?!

Back to my story...It’s taken many nights crying myself to sleep to realize that people in your life who are worth it won’t make you cry.

Not like that.

They won’t make you cry until you can’t breathe.

Unless, they are gone from your life all together.

Growing up, I was awkward.

Those were the "chubby girl" jeans I rocked all the time!
Thank goodness I had the best sisters around to constantly perk me up.

Plain and simple.

Elementary school - pre major weight gain. Just extremely tall.
I was probably in 4th grade here and I'm almost as tall as the Christmas tree.
And yes, I'm dressed as an Elf in a red trash bag.

My parents and Grandma Kaye will tell you I was the “most beautiful teddy bear brown eyed girl in the world” – but in reality, I was tall, chubby, and loud.

People didn’t understand me.

And many times, I didn’t understand me.

But isn’t that what growing up is all about? Understanding who you are…

Anyway, elementary school was the hardest.

I was so much taller than EVERYONE!

I was constantly teased about my height and weight.

I can’t even tell you how many times in my life another kid called me fat.

Or say things like, “Hope you don’t break the swing set!”

And at other times, they’d ask, “What’s the weather like up there you jolly green giant?”

To this day, I hate wearing green in fear of comments like that…I’m older, wiser, and stronger. But as I said, the scars last a lifetime.

Going into middle school, got slightly more complicated. A few times I would be walking down the street, and older kids would yell out the window at me.

“HEY FAT GIRL- YOU SURE CAN USE THE EXERCISE.”

Oh god. That day.

I’ll never forget that day.

I cried the entire way home from school.

And unfortunately, I had many days like that growing up.

Kids at the pool would make comments about the swimsuit I was wearing.

Or say things like, “I wouldn’t ever date a girl like her, she’s fat!”

It hurt.

Oh, it hurt so bad.

I remember one time in middle school, I forget my lunch money. I only had 50 cents, and a slushie was 50 cents. Now, it wasn’t a nutritious meal, but it was something to hold me over until 3 pm. (And thankfully, I never skipped breakfast).

While walking out of the cafeteria, one of the most popular boys in school yelled out, “Hey Ashley- are you finally on a diet or something?”

The other kids at the table started dying laughing and I walked away fighting back tears.

Eventually, I “peaked” in high school. I lost my extra weight (though, not in a healthy way). But looking in the mirror, I often saw the chubby and tall girl from fifth grade.

I let the words of bullies define my self-worth.

Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, and blogs weren’t as popular (or available) when I was in elementary, middle school or even high school. So cybering bullying wasn’t a big worry for me…but the in-person bullying was hard enough. I truly can’t imagine all the pain and hurt kids go through today with these outlets available for bullies to hide their faces, yet still say hurtful words to others.

To the children getting bullied, I tell you from experience: you’ll be the one laughing one day.

The kid who asked if I was finally going on a diet? He has been in and out of jail. Meanwhile, I have a college degree and secure job doing what I love.

Office Olympics, anyone?

The kid who called me fat at the city pool? I’m skinner than them today.

And I probably run faster than them too.

The kid who said no one would ever date a fat girl? I’ve married the most amazing, incredible, loving, talented, and handsome man I know!!

And we have a blast together.

Do not let the words of bullies define your self-worth.

My advice for overcoming bullying?

Surround yourself with positive people. I find it impossible to be sad when I’m around certain people. How can you be sad when you’re laughing and smiling until your cheeks hurt? And you may or may not pee your pants from laughing so hard? Those are the people you need in your life. Those are the moments that matter most in life.

Tell someone- anyone- what you’re going through with bullies. Maybe you don’t feel comfortable telling your mom or dad, so tell a friend, cousin, aunt, uncle, teacher, mentor- it doesn’t matter who you pick, as long as they support you and lift you up when you need it the most.

Focus on the “shouts of many.” There are SO MANY people who love you. Who want you to succeed. Who think you are beautiful. Who think you could do anything in this entire world, if only you have the confidence and heart to do so.

Stand up for yourself!! This doesn’t mean being a bully back…because often you’ll find that bullies are saying mean things and starting fights because they are unhappy with who they are…or maybe they don’t have a happy and healthy home life. Instead, tell them straight to their face:

“Your words mean nothing to me.”

“You will not bring me down.”

“I’m better than you say I am.”

Because you ARE better than they say you are. Way better.

And finally, to end this blog post…I want to encourage ALL OF YOU to stand up against bullying.

Be that friend, cousin, aunt, uncle, teacher, mentor, parent who helps someone get through the bullying (which by the way, can happen at any age…from preschoolers to middle schoolers to college students to middle-aged people to retirement homes…bullying is everywhere)!

If you see a kid- who you might not even know- getting picked on, stand up for him or her.

It might just change his life or her life.

Or better yet, save their life.

So, my weight? I still battle with it every single month, week, day, hour. But I'm finally comfortable in my own skin.

And the weather up here? Well, it's a lot brighter now that I'm defining my own self-worth.

Much love,

Ashley

Don't Be Afraid to Fail

My friend Megan emailed me last night. My heart filled with happiness knowing that she took the time to think of me...and wanted to make me feel better. In fact, the response from everyone yesterday was so amazing and overwhelming....

I can't even tell you how many times I've read each of these comments.
I'm so blessed to call each and every one of you a friend.
xoxo.

Here is what Megan said in her email:

Hi Ashley,

This is what is on our fridge and I need to read it all the time...

Don't Be Afraid to Fail

You’ve failed many times, although you may not remember.

You fell down the first time you tried to walk.

You almost drowned the first time you tried to swim, didn’t you?

Did you hit the ball the first time you swung a bat?

Heavy hitters, the ones who hit the most home runs, also strike out a lot.

R.H. Macy failed seven times before his store in New York caught on.

English novelist John Creasey got 753 rejection slips before he published 564 books.

Babe Ruth struck out 1,330 times, but he also hit 714 home runs.

Don’t worry about failure.

Worry about the chances you miss when you don’t even try.

I cried - because that's what I do best with people inspire and motivate me. And then I thanked her for the kind email, which came at the most perfect timing.

Worrying about failure is a huge fault of mine. Even though it took years to see it and even more years to admit it, I'm a perfectionist.  I like need everything not just accurate and correct on the first try- but PERFECT on the first try.

But life isn't always perfect....

I am not always perfect...

And failing is simply part of life.

Because failure teaches you lessons. 

Failure helps you appreciate the journey, not just the destination.

Failing at something makes you stronger and wiser.

And as I think about my blog post yesterday, running a half marathon instead of a full marathon is not a failure. Not even close. But next time when I start to train for a full marathon, I won't be afraid of failing. And most importantly:

I won't let failure win.  

And this message doesn't just apply to running my half marathon in November. It applies to everything. And probably something you're experiencing right now too...Work, school, health, marriage, friendships, financials, goals, dreams - whatever you're going through...just think of this blog post. 

Don't worry about failure.  

Don't worry about anything.

Just believe in yourself, focus on the journey, and give it everything you have to come out on top!

Much love,
Ashley

I Used Everything You Gave Me

I ate lunch alone today.

Which is fine. 

Sometimes I find it refreshing to get an hour to myself.

I had every intention of reading 50 Shades of Gray, but when I looked at the pages...I just saw a pile of words.

I couldn’t concentrate.

Even though I was in Carmel, Indiana enjoying the salad bar at Jason’s Deli, my mind was miles away.

Over the weekend, my Grandma Sieb and Aunt Juli complimented me on my recent blog post, "No Time Is Long Enough."

“You really are evolving as a writer,” Aunt Juli said. “When I read your last post, I thought to myself, ‘She really is going to write a book one day!’”

Her kinds words were music to my ears.

Tell me I’m beautiful, I’ll certainly smile. Depending on the day, I might actually believe you.

Tell me I’m a beautiful writer, my day is complete.

“You really wrote from your heart,” Grandma Sieb added. “Your post was just absolutely beautiful. I’m sure you inspired a few people to look  at the small things in life more often.”

But writing from my heart has been so difficult lately.

These past few months, I’ve felt so unbalanced.

Overwhelmed.

Stressed.

Irritated.

Discouraged.

Scared.

Unsettled.

I feel like I've lost touch with who I once was...

Am I too young to have a mid-life crisis?

Probably.

As I was trying to answer all of the world’s problems – well the problems in my own world - I came across a photo on Instagram that said:

"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and I could say, 'I used everything you gave me.'"


I stared at the screen....letting the quote sink in.

Reflecting on my own life.

Disclaimer: I'm not an overly religious person. I can't many quote bible verses word-for-word. So, some might even say I'm more spiritual than religious. But I love my God and I believe we all have a purpose in this lifetime. And I pray. Although, I'll admit I should pray and count my blessings more often.

But the quote got me thinking...Am I really giving and using all of the talent's that God gave me?

One of my talents is writing.

I love sharing stories. 

I love inspiring people through my stories.

I love connecting people together through my experiences and life musings.

I love helping others by sharing advice and lessons learned.

I love making a difference in someone's life through my words.

So, I've decided to dust off this blog...and start writing more. The past few months I've been nervous to write. I didn't have many happy, inspiring or motivating stories to share because I was emotionally exhausted.

Maybe someone will find inspiration in my struggles (not just my victories)?

Maybe someone can learn from my mistakes?

And maybe, I can difference in someone's life by being honest with my own emotions and challenges.

But no matter what, I'll be using every bit of talent God gave me.

Much love,
Ashley 

The Best Speech of My Life

"True love is finding the soul's counterpart in another."

To describe how happy I am for my sister and Will, I thought it would be perfect to share the speech I gave yesterday at the wedding reception.

So, here goes (and yes, I cried!!!):

Sarah, I hope you feel like the most beautiful girl the world…

because tonight, you truly are. 

I get goosebumps every time I see the way Will looks at you.

I am so happy for you both. 

I’ve known Sarah her entire life. I’m technically her older sister, but our relationship might prove otherwise. I will stick with 3 main examples that indicate how Sarah truly might be the older sister. So, our parents might have some explaining to do later…

Number One: When we were about 4 and 5 years old, the neighbor girl pushed me down the stairs headfirst. I decided to cry my eyes out – per usual, and Sarah chased the girl the entire way home – screaming at her the whole way. From that moment on, Sarah never wasted a second defending me when someone hurt me or put me down.

Number Two: Growing up, I always turned to Sarah for advice about boys, fashion, and friends. I wanted Sarah’s input on everything.

Number Three: When I was scared at night…usually fearing an alien invasion, evil ghosts, or a random tornado, I would crawl into bed with Sarah. I would wake her up and say, “Sarah – are you afraid? Do you want me to sleep with you?” She would never judge me or tell anyone about my fears, instead she would just scoot over and make room for me in her bed.


Now, I didn’t always appreciate Sarah as my “older sister.” I remember Grandma Kaye once telling us, “You’ll be best friends one day. I promise.”

But we both refused to believe her…we were simply different people.

• We hated sharing a room together.
• We hated sharing our birthday parties together.
• And we hated sharing friends.

But looking back, those were the best days of my life. I’ll never forget:

• Swimming at the city pool all day, even if we had softball games that night
• Skipping school to play barbies together
• Eating pizza and watching SNICK on Saturday nights
• Riding our bikes all around Decatur, even though we told mom we would only go around the block - sorry mom...
• And making ridiculous home movies

So, Grandma, you were right. Sarah is my best friend.

We had a blast growing up …because we had each other.

Sarah, I am so happy that you found someone to defend you when someone puts you down or makes you feel defeated. I can rest easy at night knowing you have someone to climb into bed with when you’re scared. And most importantly, I’m happy that you’ve found a new best friend to make you feel complete. 

Now to Will…

The first time I met Will I had a few drinks in me. That night, Sarah kept talking about this guy she met online. So by nature, I was a little nervous for her. Nothing against Will, but I just watch too much Investigation Discovery and Criminal Minds to be a normal person.

But once we pulled up, I looked over at Will and he looked pretty normal. I patted my sister on the back and said, “You’re good. Have fun.” I ended up meeting back up with Sarah and Will that evening because they picked me up from the bar. Once they walked in, I stood up and yelled, “Everyone here comes my sister and her soulmate, Will!” I just knew…

We spent the entire night:

• Laughing
• Eating chicken, bacon and ranch pizza
• And prank calling my husband, who was not impressed with me that night.

I knew Will would either love me or think I was the craziest person in the world. Maybe both. But I honestly couldn’t pick out a better man for Sarah. As Justin said earlier during the wedding ceremony, I haven’t seen my sister this happy in years.

Will, you are a true gentleman- your mother did a great raising you! You put family first. You make my sister so incredibly happy – and when you don’t, I am sure she lets you know…it takes a lot to marry a Bedwell girl. Call Justin for advice if you ever need it. But I know you will be:

• a wonderful husband to Sarah
• a great father to Braxen and Landen
• and amazing brother to me

We are so happy to welcome you and your family into ours.

So, let’s all raise our glasses and cheers to the beautiful and happy newlyweds.


Much love,
Ashley