Back in October, I thought my life was over. I had gone through a break-up with a
mediocre guy who I thought was “the one” despite his many flaws. I couldn’t
eat, I sleep, and I stopped talking to my friends. When I started realizing that I could not, in fact, die from
a break-up, I decided to be proactive in my own confidence-boosting. I joined Match.com.
I’ve always been a little skeptical of online dating, but
let’s get real: I haven’t had much luck in the dating department the way I have
been doing things, so I decided to go for it. I filled out my profile and uploaded some photos. Here are a few of the highlights of my
profile:
About Me and Who I’m
Looking For
I'm not entirely convinced dudes actually read these, but
here it goes:
I would much rather go to a Pacers game or run than go
shopping or watch TV. I can dish
it as well as I can take it because I teach at an urban high school. I basically want to meet someone who I
have a lot of fun spending time with who doesn't mind doing his own thing while
I'm busy.
Favorite Things
Talking trash to UNC and UK fans, finding kickass Mexican
food restaurants, ridiculous pick-up lines, and laughing at my own
ridiculousness.
Much to my surprise, the e-mails started rolling in. Let me tell you, Match.com made me feel
like the hottest female on earth.
After e-mailing and texting a few of the gentlemen, I set myself up on
some dates. I’m going to run you
through a few of them. I won’t use
the poor guys’ names (because honestly, most of them sucked).
Dude 1:
I probably texted with Sylvester a good 2 months before
actually meeting him for drinks on some random Tuesday. Within the first half hour of meeting
the dude, he told me he always thought he’d marry a teacher (which I am) and he
invited me to Chicago with him and his family over New Years. Umm, what the fuck, dude. Slowww down. We said good-bye and he attempted to eat my face off in the
middle of Mass Ave.
This really should have been a red flag, but I decided to
invite him out with myself and a friend a few weeks later. We all got pretty shit-faced, and I was
a lady and made him sleep on the couch.
The next morning, he bolted.
When I turned on the light, I realized that my couch was soaked. Yeah. I texted him and asked if he had any idea why my couch was soaked. His response? “Nada.”
I felt like I needed a t-shirt that said “I joined online dating and all
I got was a pissed-on couch.”
Dude 2:
Gerald was a nice guy.
We had a great first date at a Pacers game, but when I went out with him
again, I wasn’t so sure. We dated
for a few weeks, but when he wanted me to meet his parents, I had to let him
go. He got all mopey, so I gave
him another chance because I thought I had made a mistake. Then, the tables were turned and he was
in the driver’s seat and could make all of the calls because I was the one who
had messed up. I’m not a fan of
that. We called it quits (again),
and he asked if we could be friends.
Dude 2, I’ve got enough friends.
I didn’t join Match.com to meet buddies, get real.
Dude 3:
By the time I started chatting with Godfrey, I was pretty
much being a Match.com slut. I was
going out on so many dates for a couple of weeks that I rarely paid for
meals. One Friday, I was already
pretty drunk with a couple of my friends, and Godfrey asked if I wanted to grab
a drink. I said sure, why
not? To be fair, I warned him that
I had been drinking already. But,
he probably had no idea that he was going to be walking into a trainwreck of a
“date.” The next morning, my friend
said, “I think we got a little too drunk on your date…” I said, “Yeah, I don’t think I’ll be
hearing from him again.” True
statement.
Dude 4:
Griffeth is probably my least favorite Match.com date, which
is sort of unfair because he’ll be great for a suction-cup of a girl. Unfortunately for him, that’s not
me. He brought me an apple on the
first date (an apple for the teacher).
If I had been into him, it would have been cute, but I wasn’t. The date was okay, and I decided to go
out with him one more time. By the
day we were supposed to go out a second time, I really wasn’t feeling this guy,
so I was going to cancel. However,
some flowers showed up on my desk from him. I work at an urban high school and you better believe that
my kids were saying this like, “Ooohhh GET IT Miss C!” I definitely couldn’t cancel on him
then! I did go on that date and
one more date with him, but called it quits after he called me “slutty” for
dating other guys at the same time I was dating him. Griffeth, I’m on Match.com. Did you really
think you were the only one I was dating after 2 dates? I’m 25 years old and got called
“slutty” for the first time by some dude I met online. What the hell.
Dude 5:
Prescott is the guy that I’m talking to right now. Before I even met him, we discussed the
crazies that we’ve met on Match.com.
I told him that most of the guys I’ve talked to either want to get
married tomorrow or use Match.com as a hook-up site. He said, “Wait, you don’t want to go to Vegas after our
first date and get married?” Love
the sarcasm. I’m not going to
comment any more on Prescott because I might actually like this one…
Ladies, as a former online-dating hater, I would now
strongly recommend it. You’ll go
on some shitty dates, but they’ll make awesome stories. I probably won’t be like those couples
you see on the Match.com commercials, but I’m having a hell of a time in the
process. Plus, I’ve spent so much less on groceries.
Me and my baby daddy met on Match and we're still together. The crazy thing is is I got pregnant 4 months after we met AFTER he had relocated to Indy! I moved down there as I was planning to (can't give up on love!), but instead of starting a kick butt career, I started kick butt motherhood! He was the first I met from there and it was pretty much determined we would hang out like everyday (we didn't know about the relocation at that time). Good luck! It works, we are not like the couples on the commercial though. We're not even engaged.
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