Back in October, I thought my life was over. I had gone through a break-up with a mediocre guy who I thought was “the one” despite his many flaws. I couldn’t eat, I sleep, and I stopped talking to my friends. When I started realizing that I could not, in fact, die from a break-up, I decided to be proactive in my own confidence-boosting. I joined Match.com.
I’ve always been a little skeptical of online dating, but let’s get real: I haven’t had much luck in the dating department the way I have been doing things, so I decided to go for it. I filled out my profile and uploaded some photos. Here are a few of the highlights of my profile:
About Me and Who I’m Looking For
I'm not entirely convinced dudes actually read these, but here it goes:
I would much rather go to a Pacers game or run than go shopping or watch TV. I can dish it as well as I can take it because I teach at an urban high school. I basically want to meet someone who I have a lot of fun spending time with who doesn't mind doing his own thing while I'm busy.
Talking trash to UNC and UK fans, finding kickass Mexican food restaurants, ridiculous pick-up lines, and laughing at my own ridiculousness.
Much to my surprise, the e-mails started rolling in. Let me tell you, Match.com made me feel like the hottest female on earth. After e-mailing and texting a few of the gentlemen, I set myself up on some dates. I’m going to run you through a few of them. I won’t use the poor guys’ names (because honestly, most of them sucked).
I probably texted with Sylvester a good 2 months before actually meeting him for drinks on some random Tuesday. Within the first half hour of meeting the dude, he told me he always thought he’d marry a teacher (which I am) and he invited me to Chicago with him and his family over New Years. Umm, what the fuck, dude. Slowww down. We said good-bye and he attempted to eat my face off in the middle of Mass Ave.
This really should have been a red flag, but I decided to invite him out with myself and a friend a few weeks later. We all got pretty shit-faced, and I was a lady and made him sleep on the couch. The next morning, he bolted. When I turned on the light, I realized that my couch was soaked. Yeah. I texted him and asked if he had any idea why my couch was soaked. His response? “Nada.” I felt like I needed a t-shirt that said “I joined online dating and all I got was a pissed-on couch.”
Gerald was a nice guy. We had a great first date at a Pacers game, but when I went out with him again, I wasn’t so sure. We dated for a few weeks, but when he wanted me to meet his parents, I had to let him go. He got all mopey, so I gave him another chance because I thought I had made a mistake. Then, the tables were turned and he was in the driver’s seat and could make all of the calls because I was the one who had messed up. I’m not a fan of that. We called it quits (again), and he asked if we could be friends. Dude 2, I’ve got enough friends. I didn’t join Match.com to meet buddies, get real.
By the time I started chatting with Godfrey, I was pretty much being a Match.com slut. I was going out on so many dates for a couple of weeks that I rarely paid for meals. One Friday, I was already pretty drunk with a couple of my friends, and Godfrey asked if I wanted to grab a drink. I said sure, why not? To be fair, I warned him that I had been drinking already. But, he probably had no idea that he was going to be walking into a trainwreck of a “date.” The next morning, my friend said, “I think we got a little too drunk on your date…” I said, “Yeah, I don’t think I’ll be hearing from him again.” True statement.
Griffeth is probably my least favorite Match.com date, which is sort of unfair because he’ll be great for a suction-cup of a girl. Unfortunately for him, that’s not me. He brought me an apple on the first date (an apple for the teacher). If I had been into him, it would have been cute, but I wasn’t. The date was okay, and I decided to go out with him one more time. By the day we were supposed to go out a second time, I really wasn’t feeling this guy, so I was going to cancel. However, some flowers showed up on my desk from him. I work at an urban high school and you better believe that my kids were saying this like, “Ooohhh GET IT Miss C!” I definitely couldn’t cancel on him then! I did go on that date and one more date with him, but called it quits after he called me “slutty” for dating other guys at the same time I was dating him. Griffeth, I’m on Match.com. Did you really think you were the only one I was dating after 2 dates? I’m 25 years old and got called “slutty” for the first time by some dude I met online. What the hell.
Prescott is the guy that I’m talking to right now. Before I even met him, we discussed the crazies that we’ve met on Match.com. I told him that most of the guys I’ve talked to either want to get married tomorrow or use Match.com as a hook-up site. He said, “Wait, you don’t want to go to Vegas after our first date and get married?” Love the sarcasm. I’m not going to comment any more on Prescott because I might actually like this one…
Ladies, as a former online-dating hater, I would now strongly recommend it. You’ll go on some shitty dates, but they’ll make awesome stories. I probably won’t be like those couples you see on the Match.com commercials, but I’m having a hell of a time in the process. Plus, I’ve spent so much less on groceries.