I've been trying to write this blog post for nearly a week. I made my decision last week. And here is why:
Monday, September 10:
The scale said 224 lbs.
I closed my eyes and tears quickly filled them.
I was hoping if my eyes were closed, the tears would stay inside.
But that's the problem...I've been keeping too much worry and fear inside.
And the number on the scale proves it.
Why did you let yourself go?
Why didn't you catch yourself earlier?
I walked downstairs after I fixed my smeared make-up.
"I've gained some weight," I said to Justin.
He looked up at me from my computer.
"I'm going to lock that scale in the gun safe," Justin said. "Or bury it in the backyard."
I smiled. I knew he was trying to cheer me up...to remind me that a number doesn't determine WHO I am. But, easier said than done.
"Please don't," I finally said. "But I've got to do something, especially after everything that happened with Uncle Jerry today."
My Uncle Jerry was admitted into the hospital last week for chest pain. Today (September 20th) he is having a quad bypass survey. He'll turn 47 years old tomorrow. The same age that my Uncle LJ was when he passed away from a heart attack in June.
"Listen, I don't care if you run 26 miles or 2 miles, Ashley," Justin said. "I care that you're healthy. I care that you don't have a heart attack or diabetes in your 40s. I care that I grow old you with you."
I sat there and didn't know how to respond, but Justin was right.
He was absolutely right.
"You're so afraid that you'll fail at this race that you've just let everything start to slow down," Justin said. "You aren't going to the gym as much and you aren't eating as healthy as you used to. And it's because you're afraid."
"I am afraid," I said. "I am not prepared for this race because I've missed a few too many long runs. I could work harder to make the time, but I feel like I don't have the time. I feel like I am spread so thin..."
"Well that's because you're out trying to save the world every night," Justin said. "Which is what I love about you the most, but you do need to make time for you."
I need to make time for me.
I need to make time for marathon training.
But I haven't made time for either...
And I'm afraid now I don't have the time to play "catch up."
So, I've made the decision that I'm doing the half marathon on November 3, 2012.
Deciding to NOT do the full marathon was an extremely hard decision. I hate committing to something and then backing down.
But, I'm simply not prepared.
I'm not ready.
And I want my first full marathon to be an amazing experience. I want to be prepared. I want to be well-trained. I want to cross the finish line in one piece.
"I'll still do the half-marathon," I told Justin. "And I'm going to get my PR finally!"
I've aimed for this number every single time.
And I'll hit this finishing time on November 3.
Or do better.
In the meantime, I'm making big efforts to clear my "plate."
We are retiring from DJing. Being a wedding DJ is so much extra stress, time, travel, and planning.
I'm also cutting back on my extra curricular activities.
I am slowly, very slowly, learning how to say "NO."
And while saying "NO" to the full marathon this Fall was a huge and hard decision, I believe that it's the right decision.
More importantly, I believe in my heart that I'll have an amazing half marathon experience, which will give me the courage and strength to pursue a full marathon very soon.
Scale update: I'm back down to 214!! Maybe all that stress and worry really was weighing me down...