I haven't wrote a blog for a while because I have been doing a lot of writing in my personal journal. The place where only my brown eyes and tears fill the pages. You see, I felt like I had reputation of writing uplifting, inspiring and moving blog posts. How could I let people know I have a different side? Let them know, I'm human?
I haven't felt anything inspiring or moving lately. I stopped running after work and starting drinking. I went right to tequila bottle and margarita mix. I was depressed. I felt overwhelmed with life. Student loans are up to almost $500 a month. My car is on it's last leg. My weight has sky rocketed, reaching an ALL TIME high. I wasn't sure how I was doing at work and I had a huge presentation that was consuming my every thought. I could cry.
I did cry.
I cried a lot.....
And I broke down today. I literally sat on the edge of the bed and just cried. And started praying for patience and courage and strength.
My presentation was today. It brought back horrible flashbacks of the last research presentation I did in college where an un-named client treated us with complete disrespect during our presentation. He even answered his cell phone during the middle of me talking and once he hung up, he interrupted and demanded I go back since he missed the previous three slides. Yes, that really happened. Yes, I tried to remain calm. And yes, it left a presentation scar in my mind.
This morning before Justin left for work, he told me that I would ROCK my presentation.
"Uh huh," I said back with little confidence.
Who is this person? I thought staring at myself in the mirror.
Where did you go? You used to be so happy and courageous and inspiring? Where are youuu!?
Tears filled my eyes.
"Babe, you just have to believe in yourself," Justin said. "And by the way, you are the one who makes all the plans. You are the dreamer here, Ashley. Why don't you start planning life if you aren't happy? Start doing something about it. Making plans for YOUR life!"
He was right. I wasn't doing a good job at planning life and taking control of my emotions.
I e-mailed him when I got to work and told me I drove to work repeating what he said in my head. I will rock it. I will rock it. I will rock it.
" Good, because I just want my dreamer wife back. The one who believes in unicorns and rainbows and loves small animals and dreams big!" Justin replied.
He is simply amazing. The last few days he was randomly sent me inspiring quotes. He knows how much I love quotes, inspiring ones at that- and he took the time to find perfect ones to fit my mood and situation.
I was really nervous, but my boss calmed me down. She gave me some professional tips and told me she believed in me. I will be fine. And my co-workers were there to smile and support me.
Before the presentation I listened to Glee Christmas music (Thanks Sam). I ate a peppermint candy cane so my breath smelled good. I made my butterflies fly away, Miley Cyrus style (Thanks for that one, Gina).
And I pictured this as my presentation to re-deem myself from the snarky un-named client from my past.
So, the Cinderella story goes on...the presentation went very well! I couldn't explain the feeling I felt while presenting. I loved it. This is what I went to school for - why was I so nervous? Why didn't I believe in myself?
You see, confidence is golden. If you believe in yourself, anything is possible.
Life happens. You can't prepare for it, but you have to anticipate the rush of bad events. It's just part of life and feeling sorry for yourself or drinking your sorrows away does nothing.
Justin actually inspired me to write this post. I was really afraid to let you all know how depressed I was, but Justin encouraged me to tell my true story. Let you know that I am human. I break down. I cry. I loss faith. I struggle.
So here you have it, the truth. I'm not little miss sunshine everyday. And as much as I want to be, I will still get rained on and feel discouraged. I will still fall down. But that doesn't make me a weak person. It just means that I'll be stronger for it later on.