Inside My Own Mind

Writing these blog posts are always so difficult.

I stumble over finding the right words. I write a few sentences and then delete everything.

I struggle with what to share and what to keep to myself.

I realize I’ve been quiet lately on my blog the last few weeks.

You’ve probably wondered if I am busy.

Or simply you question if I am simply ignoring you.

Or maybe I have nothing to say.

But those are not the reasons...

You see, writing this blog means I live a very public and open life. I am often brutally honest in my writing – about how I am feeling.

I mean, you guys know more about my weight struggles than my doctor. And you guys know my actual weight better than the BMV (although, this last time I didn’t lie!!).

And sometimes- being open and honest is hard. It means I have to admit defeat and difficult times. And share stories that aren’t full of rainbows, my little ponies, and sunshine.

Many exciting things have occurred over the last few weeks.

Justin celebrated his 26th birthday.

We celebrated our third year in marriage.

I heard Baby Sieb’s heartbeat again.

We booked a trip to Vegas in July (future blog post coming soon).

But these past weeks have been hard weeks.

Weeks that I’ve found so incredibly hard to get through with my sanity intact.

I try not to bring other people (especially my family and marriage) and work into my blog posts.

Number one, I don’t think it’s fair for me to share personal stories of others. And then you would only be hearing one side of the story, which would be mine.

 And number two, I hardly ever blog or post things about work (unless it's more on the positive side).

It’d be different if my blog was geared toward my profession – or other marketing professionals. But these are stories of my life…mainly my personal life.

And having my personal life separate from my work life is very important. 

In fact, I think people are CRAZY when they post terrible things about their job, boss, or company in general. Social media and the Internet don’t forget things…and don’t think that you’ll be fine if you vent and then delete your post. The world is full of screen capture tools these days…

So while I won’t go into detail about the crazy, emotional draining aspects of life lately, I’ll leave you with these cliff hangers:

Work is exhausting. It really is...And I honestly love my job. I am VERY blessed to work with such creative and supportive people.

But lately I’ve just found myself running in circles.

Am I focusing on the right things?

Will this ever end?

What should I tackle next?
Which is more important?

Everything is important.

And everything has a deadline of yesterday.

Usually, I pride myself on my organizational and prioritization skills. But when everything is important and every was due five seconds ago, I’m just struggling with finding balance and peace in juggling with work.

It will be fine.

I will be fine.

I’m just…overwhelmed.

And then there is marriage. When Justin and I found our bridal showers, our guests would fill out advice cards. I actually still have them at home. I found them last night while cleaning up the bookshelf.

I was overwhelmed with the amount of “negative” comments we received. Not negative in the sense that people wrote “RUN FOR THE HILLS AND NEVER LOOK BACK!”

But people would always say things like:

Don’t go to bed angry – talk it out!

Would there be lots of angry nights ahead of us?

Don’t stop holding hands in public- try not to lose the passion that brought you together in the first place.

Would we be passionless souls one day? Simply two roomates living in the same house- sharing bills and waiting for the microwave while one person made pizza rolls and the other person warmed up canned soup?

Marriage is the hardest job you’ll ever have, but it’s worth it (most of the time).

You mean there is something worse than getting yelled at back angry restaurant patrons or sick patients? How is marriage a job? Isn’t it supposed to be filled with love and romance and long nights cuddling next to a fire place?

I guess what I am saying is I had no idea how true these statements would be…

And you know why?

Because you are two completely different people.

Coming together as one.

Different beliefs.

Different perceptions.

Different ideas of clean vs. dirty.

And in our current case, different opinions on timelines and due dates.

We celebrated our three year anniversary on May 15th. I wanted to blog about that too – all of the moments we’ve shared along the way.

All of the laughs.

The tears.

The adventures.

The memories.

I shared those thoughts in Justin’s card. And while even over the last few days, we’ve had our differences.

We’ve had a few bumps in our road.

We got through them.

We talked about them.

We taught each other lessons.

We hopefully inspired each other to change or be more open minded about the other person’s “side” on the matter.

Those people weren’t lying in the advice cards.

Marriage is hard.

Marriage is work. I mean, really- really hard work.

Marriage is a full-time job.

Marriage requires commitment and strong will to never give up.

Because at the end of the day, you will have troubles with anyone you marry. Simply because you are different people trying to live one life.

But if you remain faithful, positive, always communicate, and HAVE FUN – you’ll be fine. You’ll get through the bumps in the roads.

Justin and I don’t have it all figured out – but who really does? Sometimes people tell us we are the “perfect couple” and I laugh – because that’s far from true.

 Even though I’m a perfectionist, I will be the first to admit we have our flaws and work for improvement. Both of us. We are just two imperfect people trying to build a  happy life together. And raise a son together in a few short months!!

I really had no clue what I was going to say today.

I just started writing…just started pouring out my thoughts. I feel better already. I feel like I am coming to peace with a few long, exhausting, and emotional weeks.

So, where have I been?

Inside my own mind. 

But I'm ready to come back out! I'm ready to write more and just share stories - big or small.

Writing is my therapy.

And when I am stuck inside my own mind, I forget how to cope.

I forget how to move on.

I forget that writing is the key to moving forward. 

I'm happy. Today is a new day. You have nothing to worry about. Justin and I are just the normal married couple - trying to figure out life and each every other day single day.

But I suppose what will make us different is that we don't give up so easy.

We talk it out.

And cry. Well, I cry - as often as I need.

Maybe it's the hormones. Maybe it's just me. Either way...

Remember to love hard and always try to forgive.

Much love,
Ashley